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Wednesday, January 16 , 2019, 1:15 pm | Overcast 60º


Louise Palanker: Pulling Away After Sex, Online Catfish Bait, Brush-Off Text

Question from Sophie

So here goes. Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl and boy go on multiple dates, they hook up, then guy gets super distant and claims to be busy, then goes to a concert for the weekend without any parting words or much conversation since hooking up. I totally freaked out on him said some not so nice things.

The dust settled and we talked about what happened. We both took ownership for our parts in the situation. I went a little nutty and he was a jerk for leaving me hanging.

I guess I’m torn. Would a nice guy leave you hanging after sex? Was I completely out of line for freaking on him? Is this worth giving another shot? Thoughts??


Short Answer: I think it’s worth giving it another shot.

Longer Answer: Sex is a very intimate encounter and it comes with loads of expectations, obligations and additional consequences. It can leave both guys and girls feeling exposed, vulnerable, used, entangled, overwhelmed and many etcs.

A typical dynamic is the one that you have described. The guy will withdraw, causing the girl to panic. I love the way you both took ownership and had a conversation about what happened. Ideally, two people would discuss the nature of their relationship and their expectations BEFORE having sex. I don’t have to tell you to learn something from this experience because it sounds like you already have.

A nice guy could behave like this. A nice girl could lose her composure. Continue talking to him. What are your hopes and fears moving forward? What are his? Is there enough overlap to take another step toward each other? If there is, go for it.

Clay Andrews has a lot to say on this topic:

(Clay Andrews video)

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Question from Mimi

Hello, my name is MiMi I am 26. I met this guy. And he’s 21. I am really confused. I’ve been talking to this guy for seven months. He has cancer! Every disagreement we have, he threatens to leave. Recently, I noticed that he’s been deleting my comments off social media. When I asked, he said Facebook automatically deleted his account. Does it seem odd to you? Then his phone was off. And I asked him how was he going to pay the bill since he wasn’t asking his family to help him. He said, he will figure it out. I asked if a female was going to pay it? He got so defensive. Very upset. Told me he wasn’t talking. And leave me alone. If he is so innocent, why did a simple question make me so upset to the point he says leave him alone? I’m not understanding this. And this happens every time I feel something isn’t right? What will you do in this situation. #Lost #Frustrated #What to do?


There are layers of red flags to peal back here.

» If this is an online-only relationship, then gather your strength and walk away from the keyboard. It sounds entirely cat-fishy.

» If he is actually 21 (I question this because we can’t really know the age of an online boyfriend), then the two of you are at very different stages of your human development. You, at 26, have made some headway into your adult life. He is just entering his, and he seems to be struggling with it.

» His behavior is out of the catfish handbook. He’s making excuses and claiming to be ill. He may actually be ill, but catfish will seek sympathy and find excuses to never meet you through one tragedy after another. They watch soap operas and take notes.

» He gets angry easily. That’s just not a good a sign. A relationship is not supposed to detract from your life. It is meant to enhance it.

» And finally, if he IS a real guy you actually know, then you need to more fully grasp the power of your own words. When you feel threatened or frightened you CAN ask him to comfort you and help you understand or feel more secure.

You SHOULD NOT ask him if another female is paying his bills. That is a grenade. It amounts to you telling him that you do not trust him. Know the power of your own words.

» You do have every right to not to trust him, but if you don’t trust him, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him.

» At the very least, you should be dating someone who is mature enough to pay his own phone bill. If he is not at that stage of his life then he is not really boyfriend material for a 26 year old.

This relationship sounds unhealthy, complex and counter-productive. You can do so much better.

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Question from Marla

I went on a date with this guy, Josh, and we had a great time, and the next day everything was fine. Then he went camping and came back and I’m feeling like he’s pulling away. I sent him a text asking him to go the county fair on Saturday and he said “keep you posted.” I said “sounds good” but what should I do if he doesn’t text me by Friday night? Should I ask him if he is still up to going with me? Should I just ignore it? What to do? Please help ...


Both of you have placed the ball in his court. Mixing my metaphors, from tennis to chess, the next move is his. You invited him to do something with you. His response was pretty passively evasive. If he had asked you to go to the fair, your response would have been more enthusiastic.

I am so sorry to be this blunt, but his text was probably a brush off. If he wants to spend more time with you, he needs to try a lot harder. You are worth it.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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