Thursday, April 26 , 2018, 12:23 pm | Fair 60º

 
 
 
 
Advice

Louise Palanker: Amish Crush, Living in the Presents, and Disrespecting Dad

​Question from Donna

Is it OK to be crushing on a Amish boy?

Weezy

You can CRUSH on the pope if you feel so inclined. Crushes are in your heart and mind, and they train your brain. They help you figure out the type of person you will like romantically, and the qualities that are important to you in a partner. It’s what you do with a crush, your actions, that matter more.

You may not be able to date an Amish boy. It may cause an uproar. You may not be able to potentially marry an Amish boy unless you are willing to become Amish or he is ready to leave his way of life.

But if you have an opportunity to get to know this boy then do so. He’s a person with thoughts and ideas that can enrich you. Just know that actions come with consequences and that falling in love will require careful planning and life-altering decisions.

This has little or nothing to do with your situation but it will make you smile. “Weird Al”​ Yankovic and Amish Paradise:

(alyankovicVEVO video)

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Question from Sandy

OK, so I just graduated high school and my boyfriend is a nice guy and stuff. But my friend’s boyfriend got her a Michael Kors wallet and flowers. My boyfriend always splits food bills with me. He got me three balloons and a dozen roses and two small teddy bears.

I’m not trying to be ungrateful or anything. But watching my friends’ boyfriends get them expensive stuff makes me sad ...

Like, my boyfriend works and makes, like, 200 bucks a week, and he pays a $100 phone bill every month. I just get annoyed like I’m always getting stuffed animals from him. Like it’s cute and all, but like I’m a big girl now.

It’s been nine months. I expect more and better things. I’m not trying to be materialistic, but girls look at girls. And they see what they have gotten, and my boyfriend can’t get me something decent ... It makes me sad and annoyed at the same time.

Weezy

You will need to express these feelings to your boyfriend. What matters to you should matter to him.

However, I would ask you this: What do you buy for him? What do you make for him? What do you give him? Is he appreciative of what you contribute to the relationship?

Love, affection, giving and gratitude go in both directions.

To me, you seem a little pre-occupied with what he makes and what he spends.

I’m thinking that if you want jewelry, you should buy yourself some jewelry.

The price of the gift is not proportionate with the love someone feels for you.

There is a saying, “People who marry for money earn every penny of it.”

This means that if you go into a relationship for monetary reasons, well, nothing is free. You will wind up paying in other ways for your expensive presents. There are expectations that will be placed on you, such as, “Well, I bought you all this nice stuff so I expect to know where you are and what you wear, and I need to approve of what you do, and who know, etc.”

In other words, “I bought you. I own you.”

A romantic relationship should not be a financial arrangement. But if that is what you want it to be, then be forewarned.

I think teddy bears are sweet. If you want something else, say something, but I will encourage you to seek a mutually respectful and loving relationship. If you both work, then the gift that you receive from him should be within the same price range as the gift you buy for him.

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Question from Samantha

My dad and I have many heated fights. He disrespects the people I like and when I try to express how I feel, he yells at me ...

It’s been more than a year since I’ve actually wanted to hang out with my dad. It’s been more than a year since we have had a conversation that hasn’t made us mad or made me uncomfortable ... It’s been more than a year since we've been happy with each other. All we do is fight, and when I try to tell him what I feel, he shuts me up.

To be honest, I raised myself more than he ever did. When I’m around him, I’m always alone and serious. When he’s not around, I’m valedictorian and getting invited to many parties and activities ... I get happy, but then I see him and my smile fades away.

We chose differently, we talk differently, we act differently. It’s like he never raised me because in personality, I have nothing based on him. I’m not exaggerating.

I feel like he is not my father by heart. I don’t feel love from him anymore. I can’t speak to him nor express what I feel to him ... Somehow I know he loves me. He is just failing at being a father. What am I supposed to do?

Weezy

I think you have put it well. He is failing at being a father. He may have been good at the part where you were little and you believed everything he said. He’s not good at allowing you to grow into a unique individual with distinct opinions. That is sad for him. He’s missing out. But you can not change him. The only person you can control is yourself.

You can decide not to engage with him. When he says something negative or rude, say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and walk away. It takes two people to argue. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t be dismissive. Don’t stomp around. Don’t slam doors. Just remove yourself from his presence.

One day when the tension has died down, you can calmly say, “I feel like you don’t know me or get me and that makes me sad.”

What you don’t realize when you are a kid is that parents should be always learning. For example, if you are the oldest girl, every day is the first day your dad has had a daughter this age. He had better be learning.

If you remain gentle and noncombative he will learn more quickly that if he wants to have a relationship with you he needs to try harder.

And even if he never gets it, YOU are discovering who you are. Allow yourself to evolve into somebody who is forgiving, peaceful and tolerant. If you knew more about your dad’s childhood YOU may understand why he is having such a hard time understanding you.

Ask your mom a few questions about your dad. Ask him some questions. Stop fighting and start learning. Understanding leads to peace.

Click here to find a way to share time with your dad.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (Family Band: The Cowsills Story is currently airing on Showtime Networks), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Our Place, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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