Saturday, April 21 , 2018, 9:11 am | Fair 62º

 
 
 
 

Louise Palanker: Liking Bad Boys, Long-Distance Relationships, a Crush in the Friend Zone

Question from Annie D.

Why do I like bad boys so much LMAO? They ruin my life and have made me miss out on nice guys.

Weezy

There has been a lot written and spoken about why nice girls like bad boys, so here is my take on it. OK, I need to hit you with the hard part first. I believe it boils down to a self-esteem issue. Quoting from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower,  “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Now comes the tough question: Why do you believe you deserve to be treated badly? Make a list. Look at it. Now cross off every item.

No individual, no child should ever be mistreated or neglected. No experience will ever define you as a person. You get to decide how kind and decent you wish to be, and how you expect and need to be treated in return.

Another angle on the self-esteem theory is this one: The insecure girl believes that if she can get this bad boy, this tough guy, this player, to choose her and to love her, then she will finally know she is worthy.

That’s the addiction. The chase is on and it consumes her because bad boys know how to give her just enough to keep her hoping. But that hope is wrapped in doubt, insecurity and fear. That hope has the girl out of balance, which means she is often falling and usually in pain. Love is supposed to make you feel well and safe.

Yes, a bad boy may see the light eventually, and love one girl and be kind and sweet to her. But that is not likely to happen while the bad boy is still actually a boy. That sort of revelation, if it comes at all, will arrive after the boy becomes a man.

Even then, since we know that infidelity can be a problem in marriages, there is a very high likelihood that a former bad boy will become a cheating husband. (Ouch. Don’t yell at the screen. Just type angry comments.)

You see, I believe that bad boys are just as insecure as the girls who chase them. They are constantly searching for one more girl or woman who will find them attractive. Until they learn to love themselves, no faucet of hot- and cold-running females will ever be enough.

I am not giving you absolutes. I am only here to offer sweeping generalities. Each person is different. Each “bad” person deserves a shot at redemption. But trust must be earned.

If you are loving guys who are not earning your trust, you need to ask yourself why you believe you don’t deserve better.

Next, challenge yourself to have more conversations with good guys. You don’t have to push yourself into dating anyone. Just talk. Get to know guys who you know to be decent. Guys you used to just walk right past. You may be amazed at what you discover.

Here is Cara Nicole’s take on bad boys:

(Cara Nicole video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Serena T.

Dear Weezy, I am a 15-year-old female. So I broke up with someone a couple weeks ago. I told him that I was over him. I wasn’t over him. I still love him.

Two days ago, he told me he still loves me. But I’m pretending like I don’t feel the same. The reason is that I live in America and he lives in Australia. I broke up with him and lied to convince him to move on and be with someone in his country.

But he is convinced that I am his true love. I am trying my best to stay calm and not tell him my true feelings. But it’s getting hard.

Not only that, but if I tell him, he might get angry. I’m still crazy for him and I’m pretty sure he’s still crazy for me. What should I do?

Weezy

You should tell yourself to move on. A long-distance relationship satisfies all of the transmitters in the brain that are searching for a loving connection. But it is not an actual relationship. It quickly becomes co-dependency in which both people are unplugged from their actual surroundings and living mostly to get back in touch with each other electronically.

This is not good for your emotional and social development. You are addicted to the idea of this guy. That’s why this is getting so hard for you.

You should never have to worry about a guy’s anger when it comes to these types of issues. That is also a red flag.

Yes, you are both still going to be tempted to go back to calling this a relationship so that you can feel those loving emotions you crave. I promise that you will find that in your actual life once you plug back into it.

You will also learn who you really are, outside of this “relationship,” and who you are on your way to becoming.

If this guy is supposed to be with you one day, that will happen, but right now, you both have a lot of independent growing up to do.

Here is more advice for teens dating online from Dana Che:

(Dana Che video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Kylie P.

Hi! I sort of have a problem. I have this huge crush on this guy but he friend-zoned me. It’s just really hard to be around him and not be with him.

I don’t know what to do. Some days he looks at me a little too long, too. Maybe he likes me and just wants to be fiends. I want to find out if he likes me without actually asking him because I don’t want to ruin the friendship we have.

Weezy

There are times in life when in order to achieve a goal, we must take a risk. We are here on earth to challenge ourselves. Everything is not supposed to be easy. In fact, the things most worth having can be the hardest to grasp. One way or another, show yourself that you are a person who tries. When it comes right down to it, you will be happier knowing that you reached for something important to you.

Each of us has a right to a crush. I believe that the friend zone is not necessarily a permanent location. It is more cloud-like in nature. It’s in motion and and it can shift into other forms of watery vapor or even rain. So, be prepared for anything and know that as people grow and change, friendships can flow into romances.

Watch any episode of Friends. For “friends,” those people did a lot of dating. Romance may eventually happen with you two. It may not. But it is your right to express an interest in it.

Suggest hanging out with this guy and when things feel right say, “I may kind of like you.”

I understand that you are afraid of ruining your friendship. But here is the thing: Once your feelings became romantic, the friendship was already ruined. You want one thing. If he wants another thing, than your friendship is lopsided.

So, you know what you want. Now, it is your appointed duty to learn what he wants so that you can plan accordingly.

Here is more about “The Science of The Friend Zone” from VSauce:

(Vsauce video)

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (Family Band: The Cowsills Story is currently airing on Showtime Networks), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Our Place, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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