Thursday, November 15 , 2018, 11:35 am | Mostly Cloudy 75º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Boy Has Feelings But Not Faithfulness, When Mom Attacks, Audition Nerves

Question from Karina

Hey! So I need some advice about my guy best mate ... So basically we’ve been best friends for four years, but from like March-July this year we started seeing each other without putting a label on it. This ended because he screwed me over and we didn’t speak for one month, and then he finally apologized and broke down crying, etc.

We decided we were always much better as friends, and we needed to keep it that way because we can’t lose each other. But it still feels like there’s something more there between us ... He said the other night, “If we start dating when we are 25, then it will never end.”

He gets really jealous when my guy friends text me. He grabs the phone and runs off to read the messages.

The other night on the beach he became very flirtatious, and we almost kissed three times but I wouldn’t let him because of how badly he had hurt me. He was saying things like, “You’re the only good thing in my life” and by the end of it, we were holding hands.

But since that night he has acted like a bit of an ass and not really spoken to me. It’s probably for the best, but I’m really confused about whether he has feelings for me, and what his motives are, and why he is acting like it never happened?

I don’t know what to do about the whole situation! Please help :(

Weezy

The bottom line is not all that attractive, but here it is: He has feelings for you but he is not ready to be faithful to you.

In his fantasy world he will marry you when he turns 25, and you will be there waiting faithfully. Sadly for him, you may not be.

There is this very catchy song from the 1960s by Lou Christie called “Lightning Strikes.” I never really paid much attention to the lyrics until recently. I don’t know if a song like this would be written today, but the sentiments expressed here are still ever present in the minds of many young men.

Basically, the song is saying, “Hey, Baby, I’m gonna go fool around with a whole bunch of chicks until I’m done and then you and I are gonna get married.”

(Oldies 50's 'N' 60's video)

OK, first of all, what?!! And second, who says I will have any interest in your sorry ass by that point in time?

You can gently let your friend know that you like him as more than a friend. Therefore, friendship between the two of you is really not going to work for you. He has shown you that he is not ready to be your boyfriend. You need to believe him.

I know this hurts, but when a guy is all in, you’ll know it. He says what he means and means what he says. He’s not tortured by the concept of being in love with you. He understands that losing his freedom means winning you. He embraces that concept.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Kelly

Recently, my mom has been very rude toward me. It started a little while ago with her constantly pointing out my acne (which isn’t even that bad) and calling me out when I don’t do my hair or makeup for school. She yells at me for wearing sweatpants at the store.

This morning on the way to school she called me out for not cleaning my room, and I apologized but she just kept yelling and wouldn’t stop. She got very off topic, and called me a bitch, and a terrible daughter. She said my grades are shit, even though it’s my freshman year of high school and I have two A’s and two B’s.

She said “no wonder your grandmother hates you” and just continued bringing up all of these irrelevant things. I didn’t argue with her. I just sat there and took it. I was close to tears by the time we pulled into the school parking lot and it honestly ruined my whole day.

Do you think she’s having trouble with something and that’s affecting her mood? She’s usually never like this. What should I do?

Weezy

I can’t really explain why your mother is being this cruel. She should certainly never call you names or tell you that your grandmother hates you. All of that is completely out of line. It would be uncalled for if she used this type of attack while arguing with a friend, and it is especially vicious when aimed at her child.

Having expressed this basic truth, it is very typical for an adolescent girl and her mother to be at odds. It often happens that the child is going through puberty while the mother is going through menopause. This is a toxic brew of hormonal unrest.

But while people are feeling nasty they must not allow their inner turmoil to erupt into words they can not un-say.

When things are more calm, you may want to try asking your mother, “How can we have a better relationship? It’s important to me.”

If you are talking in a healthy way, you can point out that your job at your age is to become your own person. This means that your mother may not always feel great about your choices. Your hair may be the way you like it and your clothing may not be what she would have selected, and that is going to be that.

She doesn’t get to dress you any longer. You are not a little kid and you are not her. You are not even a reflection of her. You are YOU.

If she is concerned with what others may be saying about her daughter, then she is being selfish and a bit silly. You get to become your own person. In fact, it’s essential. What every child needs and deserves is love that is healing and unconditional.

If your mother persists in this nastiness, resist the temptation to stoop to that level and try not to let it effect your whole day. That is a tough one, I know.

It is a universal truth that whatever else is going right in our lives, if we are not good with our moms, then it’s a bad day. So, remain the voice of warmth and reason, and that frostiness will thaw more quickly.

You are very perceptive. I do think that your mom is angry about something that has more to do with her than it has to do with you.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Jordan

So recently I decided to audition for the youth symphony because my oboe is my life, and I really want to advance in my musical career. I have my two pieces prepared and I have done quite a bit of practice for the sight-reading, but as auditions get closer I am freaking out.

The last time I got freaked out before an audition, I completely froze up and ruined my piece. This audition matters so much to me, I just want to make sure that doesn’t happen again.

I think I will do wonderful as long as I stay calm and keep my head, so do you know any good ways to control my nerves? Thank’s a ton! :)

Weezy

Being very well prepared is a must. Go in there knowing that even while you are very nervous, your body will know what to do. Release your mind and let your body take over.

Trusting your training is what is known as “The Inner Game of Tennis Philosophy,” based on a book by W. Timothy Gallwey called The Inner Game of Tennis:

(Brian Johnson video)

You can also try performing your piece in front of first your family, then some friends, and then more friends, etc. In other words, place yourself in increasingly nervous situations so you can put your body and your mind through the process of performing and sight-reading while you are scared.

As you walk up to your spot and as you take your seat, before you begin to play, take two or three deep and slow breaths. Exhale completely each time. This is a yoga trick that will help you control your breathing that is so essential for wind instruments. This will also lower you heart rate.

My cousin is the principal bassoonist for the Seattle Symphony orchestra. He is helping me give you this advice. I know that you know that you can do this.

If the oboe is your life then that is really all I need to hear. You will do this because this is what you were meant to do. Convince yourself of the same.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara​. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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