Friday, April 20 , 2018, 5:56 pm | Fair 60º

 
 
 
 

Louise Palanker: Boyfriend and Pornography, Teen Drinking, Boy Crush ... from a Boy

Question from Jennifer

OK, my boyfriend was over and I decided to go through his phone and I found pornography in his Safari history. My heart felt like it was going to explode because he promised me he wasn’t like other guys and doesn’t watch that stuff! But he obviously lied to me!

I felt hurt and betrayed. I didn't know what to do or think, I wasn’t sure what he was watching it for (for the girls, for the sex, or just for fantasy). Because he watched that does that mean he will Cheat!??

I’m deeply in Love with this boy, but if he’s some pornography geek then what on earth have I got myself into? And if he lied to me about that then what else has he lied to me about!

He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again! But whenever he comes over I check his phone and now I see he has deleted his history! I don’t know what to do please help!

Weezy

I am female so I can not tell you this with complete conviction, but my strong suspicion is that all males with access to porn watch porn. Especially adolescent boys. It becomes an addiction only when it interferes with his life. If the only way you know about it is by going through his history, then you need to let it go. In fact, I don’t believe you have any business going through his phone.

Concern yourself only with the quality of your relationship. How well do you work together as a couple? Is he a decent person who shows respect for himself and others?

If he is in the bathroom watching porn instead of spending time with you, then we have a problem. But porn will never replace a relationship. Porn is just imagery that stimulates a primal sexual urge in people.

Watching porn will not cause a person to cheat. It is not a character flaw and it is not a gateway drug that leads to sleeping in gutters and smoking crack with hookers.

There is nothing wrong with your guy. How he treats you is all that matters.

Here is the guy’s perspective from The Josh Speaks:

(The Josh Speaks video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Kylie

Hello. My problem is my parents found out I’m getting drunk at parties, and this had caused me so many problems. We argued, we fought, we hurt each other, and this is not what I want.

I am 17. I only drink at parties because that’s what all of my age do and it is really OK for us. But not for my parents. I understand their worry but, honestly, there is nothing to worry about. I can control myself. I don’t drink till I die!

What can I do to convince them I’m not drinking anymore so they can leave me alone cause I really can’t stand this. It’s getting annoying! They don’t understand. They are so strict about everything. I am not even allowed to make sleepovers at my friends. I am 17! Not 2. Damn.

Weezy

I will need to come down with your parents on this one. I know that you think you know what you are doing. This is because you have not yet been presented with what could go wrong. Your parents have a wider view of the world and they know that their inebriated 17-year-old daughter is at a MUCH, MUCH (I can not stress this enough) greater risk of: Rape, injury, pregnancy, shame, hurt, regret, paralysis, death ... the list goes on and on.

Your ability to make wise choices is already impaired by the simple reality that you are 17. Your conviction that it is perfectly OK for a group of high school kids to drink at parties is further evidence that you don’t always make great choices. Add alcohol to your reasoning faculties and you are just sunk.

On top of which, you used the word “drunk.” No clear thinking adult drinks to get drunk. Responsible consumers of alcoholic beverages drink socially, relax a bit and have one or two drinks during a given gathering. At no point in the evening are they drunk.

I’m so sorry. I know you want advice that agrees with your thinking on this but in essence, you are asking me to help you lie and pull one over on your parents. I can not do that.

Like your parents, I’m a grown-up and I know that a lot of beautiful children are lost every year due to alcohol. Many are killed and disabled for life. Many do damage to somebody else and must live with that guilt and remorse. All because they or somebody they trusted was drunk.

It sounds like your folks are on top of this. They don’t trust you because they can’t trust you. Not yet. It is your denial, not your parents that are at the core of this problem.

The legal drinking age in this country is 21 for an excellent reason. Children who drink are very capable of destroying lives. Kids who begin drinking too early are far more likely to become alcoholics. Please do not become one of them.

Your parents are strict because you are so deeply loved. The three of you are allies here, all striving to build you into a strong, smart, healthy, wise, responsible adult. Stop running interference. Work with them.

Words of advice from Megan Parken:

(Megan Parken video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from David

Hey Weezy. I have a bit of a situation and I’m a little unclear on how to handle it. I’m a freshman boy in high school, and so far I’ve been having a good year. I’ve made a lot of new friends, and one of my friends have become kind of close to me. On Friday he told me he liked me, like more than as a friend.

I didn’t say anything because I don’t like guys and I had no idea what to say. I didn’t see him the rest of the day because I only have first period with him, but I’m going to sit by him tomorrow and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Weezy

It is excellent that you are brave enough to ask this question and kind enough to care about this boy’s feelings.

The generally unspoken truth is that most gay males develop a crush on their straight best friend in high school.

I have a gay brother and this is what happened to him. It’s a compliment.

You can say, “I am honored but the thing is, I’m straight.”

This is only slightly different than a girl telling you that she has a crush on you when you do not have those feelings for her. The up side to this specific situation is that rather than having to say, “I just don’t love you back,” you can simply say, “You are a great guy but I am straight.”

Let him know that you like him as a friend but that you are into girls.

He needs closure, and if his heart is not too broken this should not have to disrupt your friendship.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (Family Band: The Cowsills Story is currently airing on Showtime Networks), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Our Place, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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