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Monday, January 21 , 2019, 12:14 am | A Few Clouds 57º


Louise Palanker: Breakup Advice, Figuring Out Sexual Orientation, Brief Boxers Discussion

Question from Nikki

Hi. So lately I have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend. I think it’s best for us but I don’t really know how. I’m not sure how to say it.


Trust your gut here. This is not a marriage where you have kids and interwoven family histories. Those breakups really do consider more consideration and counseling and everyone’s best efforts to find the healthiest solution. This is two young people dating and learning how to be in a relationship and navigate complicated emotional and romantic connections.

I am sure you could list reasons why breaking up would benefit you. Go ahead and make that list. Then make a list of why you should stay with this guy. Which list makes more sense?

Does your list of reasons to stay include these items?

» He really needs me.

» It would upset him so much if we broke up.

» I don’t know what would happen to him without me.

» I am so scared of breaking his heart.

» I have no idea how to tell him.

These are not reasons to remain in a relationship.

Break up with him in person, face to face. Tell him that at this time in your life you really need to be single. Tell him that you are so sorry. Tell him how much he means to you and that you will always treasure the memories you share with him.

Then really, for sure, for certain, definitively break up. If he starts to cry and beg, end the conversation and leave. Don’t let him talk you out of it. That will put you right back at square one and you do not want to have to go through this agony more than once. Just continue saying, “I’m so sorry. I can’t.” Then leave.

I think you know that you need to do this or you wouldn’t have written to me about it, so I am giving you courage. A relationship requires two people who want to be in the relationship. When one wants out, it is not longer a relationship. It is already over. You just need to say it.

(Blimey Cow video)

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Question from Gabe

It has never really bothered me until recently, but I can not seem to figure out my sexual orientation. It might be because my own friend just came out as bi or the fact that I’m reading Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda.

It just seems that every day I find myself asking “Who am I?” Is there anything I can do to help find my sexual orientation and myself, or is this just in my head?


It’s in everyone’s head. That’s a great book and you should also watch the film, Love, Simon. There are many great books and films and TV shows about sexual orientation confusion and coming out because it’s completely universal.

Some people just always get crushes on one specific sex and so they know at a young age. Other people don’t develop their first crush until they are finished with puberty and, even then, they’re not sure if they admire someone because they want to be like that person or they want to be close friends with that person or because they have romantic feelings for that person.

Don’t be in a hurry to figure out who you are. Discovering the answers is a part of the growing up process.

There are three main spectrums: Gender identity, romantic orientation and sexual orientation. If you also understand that the gender spectrum means that some people who you know as male may be female or gender queer, then having a crush on that person may further confuse your ability to label your sexual orientation. If that just further confuses you, then I hope it helps you give yourself a break about having all of the answers just yet.

One good test is to picture yourself kissing the person. Kissing is very intimate and you may think someone is amazing and you may totally crave the company of that person, but the mental kiss test can help you categorize your feelings.

Other good barometers:

» Does your heart go pitter pat when they enter a room?

» Do you imagine conversations with the person?

» Have you written their name anywhere ... 100 times?

» Do you find yourself always looking for that person and hoping to see them?

I think that stuff is what constitutes a romantic attraction.

But like I said, many people don’t get those yearnings until after puberty. At the end of the day you are going to be a person in the world who finds himself romantically and sexually drawn to another person ... or not. If you check out orientations and spectrums on Tumblr, you will note that asexual and aromontic are on these spectrums. Some people don’t fall in love. Some people don’t care for sex.

There is no wrong way to be unless you are not being yourself. You can not truly be yourself until you find yourself, and that’s what growing up is all about. So let it unfold and the answers will come.

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Question from Sean

I’m 14 years old and I wear briefs. I get picked on coz of it. What can I do to feel more confident?


You can ask your parents to get you boxers or boxer briefs or save up your money to buy some yourself but, honestly, if that is the extent of the teasing you receive, then you are doing pretty well.

At your age, kids will pick on ANYTHING they can find about you that is slightly different. So, if you’ve got red hair or a large forehead or small ears or big feet or thick glasses, you are going to hear about it. The best response is, “And your point is ... ?”

Someone has made an insignificant observation regarding your mode of attire. Why? Turn it around. Say, “I come from a long line of brief-wearing warriors. These were hand sewn out of sacred cloth by my ancestors. Show some respect. Or maybe they come seven to a pack at Target. Very comfortable. But either way, show some respect.”

If you laugh about it, they are more likely to laugh with you.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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