Wednesday, July 18 , 2018, 2:30 am | Overcast 64º


Louise Palanker: Changing for Someone Else, Threatening Ex-Boyfriend, Scar Facing

Question from Kevin

If you like someone and you know that you should change just to get his/her love, should you change for them or no?


Take the word “should” out of your sentence unless it is immediately followed by the word “not.” You should NEVER change in an attempt to win someone’s love. AND ... it won’t work.

I know it’s tempting to look at those whom this person seems to appreciate and think, “Oh, I need to be like her or like him.” But it’s just not that simple. Love is much too elusive and difficult to understand.

Why is one person romantically attracted to another? It remains a mystery. So changing gets you nowhere closer to being the person’s type. It only keeps you from figuring out who you really are.

And worse, it’s exhausting. And here’s the biggest factor: It’s a lie. You are being fraudulent. Let’s say you start behaving a certain way and wearing a certain thing and expressing a certain interest and the person falls for you. How long are you going to be able to keep that up? When will you start resenting this person for not loving the real you?

The truth is that you can’t change. You can only act. And actors do have to come off the stage at some point. Be yourself. Love yourself. The right person for you wants you to be nothing less.

(Home Yog video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Daria

Backstory: My parents are divorced and I live with my dad, however he is very strict. As an example, I am not allowed out past 8 p.m.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months, and he broke up because I can’t always meet and we don’t go to the same school. He said he wanted to be friends and that I was like his best friend now because I knew basically everything about him and his life. I love him, tho.

I went out with a guy friend of mine the day I broke up with my ex, and this guy friend was giving me advice on how to move on from my ex. I posted my guy friend on my Snapchat. My ex got mad at me for meeting him and then he asked me for his snap.

Then I check my guy friend’s messages and he told me my ex called him and threatened him. I don’t know what my ex wants. Is he jealous? Does he want me back? I honestly do not know.


You are too much in love with your ex to see the big picture, so let me show it to you. He’s jealous but he is also completely out of line. Even if you two were still officially dating, he does not own you. He does not control you, and he doesn’t get to threaten the people in your life.

Rather than looking for signs that this guy is still really into you, use this freedom as an opportunity to get yourself over Captain Control. He has no right to ask for info on the people. Threatening them is just plain abusive and dangerous. You do not owe the guy anything. This is your cue to move on.

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Question from Celina

Do guys like scars on girls like girls do on guys? Are they a turn off, or do they just not care?


They don’t care. A scar is a part of your history.

If you are talking about self harm, then that is another matter that needs to be addressed. But if you are referring to a scar from an injury, a surgery or some other event, then a guy will not be bothered by it. I’m not sure if he would “like”" it. That would be up to the guy.

Did you know that Tina Fey has a scar on her face? She mentions it only briefly in her book. It’s mysterious because she doesn’t elaborate on the details. She says she doesn’t talk about it but as a child she was knifed. Pretty horrifying. But I had never noticed it before I read about it in her book. Many guys adore Tina Fey.

So, if you have a scar, do not worry about it. Everybody has something. Most people have many things.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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