Sunday, February 18 , 2018, 10:07 pm | Fair 52º


Louise Palanker: Consequences and Punishment, First Period, Relationship Overthinking

Question from Sandra

Hi. My daughter misbehaves nonstop, very badly. I have never punished her before ... What should I do? Please help.


It’s not so much about “punishing” as it is about solidifying policies that feature consequences and consistency. If you establish a rule and she violates it, then something needs to happen. Life comes with cause and effect relationships. If you are protecting her from that reality it will slap her in the face when she gets out into the real world.

So, if she back talks or slams a door or does not fulfill an obligation, then privileges should be taken away. State the consequence and follow through on it. No giving in. She will push back hard because she has no reason to believe that this won’t work. Her history has taught her a cause-and-effect logic that has been working for her. If she throws enough of a fit you will give her what she wants.

Change the rules. Explain them to her. Write them up on a dry erase board. Post it. And mean it.

If there have been no consequences in your home then this is going to get rough, and I suggest that you visit a family therapist to help you set up and implement your new structure. There is freedom within understood boundaries. She will ultimately be a happier person if she is treating others well, completing tasks and generating positive energy.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Stephanie

Hey, so I stared my period today. I need help to know how to be ready for puberty. Can you help?


I can help. But not a lot. Puberty is complicated and confusing. You will need supplies and instructions. You will ask two questions for any one answer. You need one-on-one attention. For puberty tips, hints, cheats and shortcuts, in-person guidance is essential.

Is there a woman who lives in your home? Ask her. Is there a woman or an older girl who knows you well? Ask her. Every female past the age of puberty is a trained and experienced period expert. All women are ready and equipped to help you. We give aid and assistance. This is the female code.

The reason you do not know about it is because we are discrete. We whisper. We whisk a friend around a corner. We slip each other pads and supplies. Women help women. Ask the kindest female face you can find. Help is probably in the next room.

(Gyno Gal video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Meghan

Hi, Weezy! I need some relationship help. So I got to know this guy six months back, and I like him. He finally likes me back and we have been dating for about a month. We love each other — but I just feel so insecure even though he tells me that he loves me. I overthink everything.

Sometimes when I message him, he seems uninterested. (He might be busy, though). Also, he tells me that if I ever cry he would not come to comfort me. (He feels that crying does not help and one should take action instead.) I am quite an emotional one.

I feel really confused by his actions ONLINE and OFFLINE. I always worry and feel that I am bothering him with my many constant long messages and calls. I believe that we really have something between us, but I just keep on having my anxiety issues. I am the type of person who cannot “function” with heartbreak and hurt, and I definitely must solve a problem straight away.

Must I trust him more and believe him more? What should I do about my overthinking? :/ Thank you so much for your time.


Sometimes ... in fact, a good deal of the time, the best “action” is restraint. In other words, the reason why it feels like hard work to do nothing is that it really is hard work to do nothing. Your instincts may be screaming at you to take action. To text. To call. To engage. Your instincts are misfiring and so it’s time to retrain them.

Just because you feel the urge to text him a long message does not mean that this is a good idea or that it will bring you more of what you want and need.

Read the room. What does he want and need? When you send him many long text messages while he is busy, what happens? He may not have the time to write and compose a long message in return, and so his move is to do nothing. But it effects him. Trust me.

Now, we don’t know if he is the right guy for you. His views on crying and comforting you are a bit of a red flag for me. You are very emotional. He does not appear to do well with that. This could create a conflict of personalities long term.

But right now, while you work your way through this relationship, back off on the communications you send him. What if halfway through the day he just got a little heart emoji from you? What if he sent one back to you? Wouldn’t that be nice and reassuring?

If you know that he loves you and is thinking of you why would you need more communication than that? Don’t you want a guy who is busy doing his thing in the world? Aren’t you willing to do your own thing while he does his so that you have much to discuss when you next see each other?

Love requires balance. If you are out of balance, no guy will fix that. First know that YOU are enough. Then seek love. It needs to happen in that order. We are all log-rolling our way through life. You can not grab onto him too hard. It will pull you both out of the game. Get your log really rolling and then you can roll on over to him and smile and encourage each other. Too much dependence on the other person brings the whole thing crashing down.

You may want to get into therapy to talk about the details with a professional. Life and love are complicated. You deserve to be happy and to feel safe, supported and loved.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click here to get started >

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >

Meet Your Realtor Sponsored by Village Properties

Elizabeth Wagner
"I consider myself to be an up front and honest agent and willing to talk my clients out of purchasing a property that isn’t right for them or won’t meet their needs in a year or two."

Full Profile >