Friday, April 20 , 2018, 6:51 am | Fair 46º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Demands of Oral Sex, Official Boyfriend-Girlfriend Status, Unfaithfulness

Question from Cassie

So basically I’m seeing this guy and we had this talk months ago about what we want in a relationship. I said affection, etc.

You know what he wants? Blow jobs. He says if I give him that, he’ll give me anything and everything I need. That’s all the satisfaction he wants and needs.

I haven’t really given him any because I just think it’s weird that that’s all he wants? He says he has feelings for me and is attracted to me, but he said that if I don’t give him blow jobs, he’ll go find someone else who will. He even said that this is why men cheat.

If he had feelings for me, like true feelings, he wouldn’t be acting like that, right? It’s like if I don’t give him blow jobs, he’ll leave me.

Am I being selfish? I just feel like this isn’t right. I have to give him blow jobs in order to get affection, etc.? That makes me feel like I’m being used or something. Is this normal and am I just over reacting?

Weezy

You are not overreacting. To be blunt, if he simply wants oral sex, he should just visit a state where prostitution is legal. Then he can get his needs met and give the woman all she wants, which, in her case, will be money. You do not work for him. This is not how a relationship is supposed to look.

If you are under the age of 18, this request from your boyfriend is especially inappropriate. And keep in mind that without going into sexual detail, what your boyfriend is requesting of you is not always enjoyable for the girl. If you are simply “servicing” him, that, in a vacuum, is demeaning.  It is is not a shared romantic experience.

This guy is probably looking at a life of empty, meaningless relationships. Affection is not a commodity.

Where love lives, affection flows as freely as water. Once the love, respect, admiration and affection are established and solid, the two people can talk about what level of intimacy feels right to both of them.

Unless or until it’s coming together in that order, it’s not love.

Get past the magic wall that moves when she moves and listen to some great advice from Lisa A. Romano.

(Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Danielle

Well I’ve been off and on with this guy for about a year. We started talking again about six months ago. Back then, he decided that he wanted to make things official on his birthday, the 10th, which is coming up. But we have stopped talking because he was with  A LOT of girls (just as friends) and I’m a very jealous person.

But, anyways, we stopped talking, and his birthday is not until a few more days, so what should I do to try to get him back? I’ve tried leaving him alone, giving him his space and then trying to communicate with him, but he doesn’t respond. Any thoughts on how to get him back?

Weezy

You cant “get someone back” who does not wish to come back. If his behavior has shown you that he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, then you really should not want him back.

I know that the heart tends to have its own agenda but don’t think of the 10th as some cut-off date. Instead, think long term. Do your own thing. Make plans. Have fun. Learn. Grow. Be an interesting person with plans and dreams.

Be someone who finds her own self interesting and has a lot to offer the world. One of two things will happen: Either he will start missing you or you will stop caring.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Julia

Hi, Weezy. I’m hoping you might be able to help me out with this situation I’m in.

So I’m in a relationship with this guy. He’s recently joined the Army and he’s off at basic training right now. I care for him so much, but I’ve also been unfaithful to him since he’s been gone. Multiple times.

I know it’s wrong of me, and I know that I’m going to have to tell him once he gets back ... And I want to stop dishonoring him but I feel like I’m not strong enough to do so.

I’ve always just let people run all over me, and since I’ve become sexually active, it’s taken a bad turn ... (I’m hoping you get what I mean). I can’t say no when someone wants me in a sexual manner, or even just for something like kisses.

I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I really can’t stop myself. I guess what I need is some advice on how to grow stronger and say no. Because I want to change, and I want to be a better girlfriend because he doesn’t deserve what I’ve been doing to him.

I just don’t know how to get myself to stop. Thank you for your time.

Weezy

I think that you will need to break up with this guy and be single for a time while you work on this part of your personality. Therapy will probably help you. I feel that self-esteem issues may be at the core of the issue.

Be honest with this question: Do you feel validated when somebody wants you sexually?

I believe that insecurity leads easily to sexual promiscuity. I also think that people can resist infidelity if they make up their minds to do so.

Yes, it can be hard, but a person in love who values him or herself understands what is at stake, so that person learns to control attraction and impulses for the sake of the greater good. When you cheat, you do not just hurt your partner. You also undermine the relationship and de-value yourself.

Your life is going to be very bumpy and chaotic if you don’t get this under control. Before you become further committed to anyone, get yourself single and work on improving this part of your character.

It’s not just that your partner deserves more. You deserve more, too.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara​. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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