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Tuesday, November 20 , 2018, 12:53 am | Fog/Mist 47º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Expressing Feelings, Asking for Help, and Moving On

Question from Samantha

How do you get someone to secretly know you like them without giving it away? How do you get a boy to finally come up and talk to you?

Weezy

You are already being secretive. So let’s say that you were somehow able to telepathically flutter this boy’s heart. He still has to come over and talk to you so there goes your secret.

I think our goal here needs to be a little more courage and a little less secrecy. If a boy has an interest in a girl, he may not approach her unless he is certain that he won’t be rejected. It’s just as scary for the guy as it is for you.

Somebody must be brave and it may as well be you. Go talk to him. Bring a friend with you to give you some courage and say, “Hey, how’s your day going?” Smile at him. And don’t get discouraged. If you are all very young this still may freak him out and he may not know what to say. But keep trying. Be friendly. You do get to offer up your friendship. It’s a gift. He can accept it or refuse it. His choice does not measure your worth.

Yes, if you walk up to the guy other people may notice and snicker. Are they imagining a world in which they have never and will never like someone? They dare not do that. When two people like each other romantically, it is intriguing news at every age and especially at yours. But if you wish to obtain anything precious in your life you must learn to take risks. That is how you will move yourself forward.

Here is more advice from Peak Your Mind:

(PeakYourMind video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Garth

Hi Weezy. It’s awkward for me to ask for advice as I’ve grown up in an environment where you talk it out with your family and friends ... Sorry.

Anyway, I’m pretty depressed. I don’t have a romantic relationship. I have a few friends and I usually bury myself in my gadgets. I have concluded that I am lonely.

Most people just assume that because I am smart, there is nothing for me to be depressed about. I don’t find anything interesting anymore, and my dreams tend to be very twisted and scary. Most of them include me running away from someone or something. I apologize if I took any of your time. Thank you in advance for any help you may provide. — G.H.

Weezy

You may be struggling with a some depression and/or you may be terrified of growing up. Although you said that you prefer talking things over with family and friends, there are times when we all could benefit from professional help.

Our minds are so central to our overall health and sense of well being, and yet we humans often believe that only the body is deserving of medical attention. We use our minds to generate our thoughts, so why shouldn’t we have the strength of character to think our way to mental health?

Well, sometimes our thoughts are exactly what is interfering with our peace of mind. We just think our way into knots and then beat ourselves up for doing so. A therapist can really help you sort through your thoughts and feelings. Seeking professional help does not make you weak. It proves that you are strong.

Another suggestion is that you get yourself involved in helping others. Join an organization. Volunteer. It sounds like you are good at technology. Teach it. Who needs your help? Offer it.

I just watched a beautiful documentary on Netflix called Keep On Keeping On. It’s about two people who cultivate a rewarding friendship that enriches each of them. Here’s the trailer:

(moviemaniacsDE video)

It’s time for you to be of service. Get out of your own head. What do you have to offer somebody else? Go find out.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Amanda

Hi, Weezy. On Monday, my boyfriend of 11 months broke up with me. He and I are both 15, almost 16. He says that he lost feelings, and it just wasn’t working out. (Which was very sudden and unexpected; I hadn’t picked up on any issues whatsoever.)

I can’t help but feel like he’s the one for me, or that we could’ve done something differently to save our relationship. I’ve gotten most of my crying out, but he was my best friend, too, and I miss having him around. I want to get him back.

On Wednesday, I texted him asking how he was, which led to a conversation where he told me that I need to move on. He does not want to talk to me or be my friend until I am over him.

At school, I've seen him with other girls, which really hurts. How do I get him back? I truly think that he and I can work through our issues, and that this isn’t meant to be the end for him and me. What would you suggest I do to try and gradually become friends with him, and then possibly date him again? I haven’t had any contact with him since Wednesday, and I don’t plan to until I have a good plan as to how I can get him back.

Weezy

I am so sorry but your plan needs to be moving on. I know that this makes no sense in your mind. I know that you are re-living conversations and events, and wondering what you said or did that would have led to this. The answer is, nothing. Stop the endless cycle of questioning and plotting. Hear what he has said to you. He meant it.

Yes, this is harsh advice but take it in and cry some more. Then pick yourself up and begin the work of ignoring him and picturing a future without him.

That future will look bleak and black and pointless for awhile. But keep on stepping. You will eventually start to see little specks of light. Look forward. If you continue looking back at him you will miss the light. You will miss your future.

Life and love are fluid. Emotion is forever in motion but if you are meant to get back with this guy that will only happen after you have completely moved on. Do that and one of two things will happen: Either he will start missing you or you will stop caring.

Who have you been ignoring while you were dating him? One of those people is yourself. What are your interests and talents? Go pursue them.

It is in between relationships that we truly find ourselves. This is an opportunity. What are you meant to learn? Go and learn something new. Pick up an instrument. Read a book. Study a language. Join a club. Call your grandmother. Make a new friend.

Walk on and find yourself and your future.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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