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Saturday, December 15 , 2018, 2:36 am | Fair 42º


Louise Palanker: How to Get People to Like You, Party Preferences, Changing Phases

Question from Brian

How do I live with life if more people hate me than love me?


Most of the people on earth have not yet met you. I certainly don’t know the particulars. I don’t how people are treating you and I don’t know what kind of energy you are putting out into the world. I don’t know if you are surrounded by mistreatment or if you are simply having a yucky day.

What I do know is that absent abuse over which you have no control, emotional energy obeys the laws of physics. What you get you give.

If you want love, be loving.

If you want a friend, be a friend.

If you want kindness, be kind.

I know that this can be hard to muster from scratch. Especially when you feel hurt and proud. Especially when you believe that nobody deserves it.

YOU must be the initiator.

An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by another force. Be that force.

Tell your brother he’s really good at soccer.

Tell your mom that she’s smart.

Laugh at your dad’s joke.

People like people who like them so ... Like people.

(PeakYourMind video)

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Question from Chris

I really like to party, but I hardly get invited to anything. I have a large number of friends, too, but I am only close with a couple. Any tips on how to get invited to parties, or find out about them?


As you grow older, you will start to get invited to more parties.

I do get a little concerned about the word “party” being used as a verb. Social events are fantastic, but partying for high school and college kids can often be really dangerous. The decision to partake in alcohol further impairs good judgment and can lead to all kinds of really bad decisions and outcomes.

Don’t be in too much of a hurry to “party” with an older crowd. When you do go to a party, make sure there is at least one person there who is putting your safety as a priority over his or her own social experience.

All of that being warned, if you want to be invited to a party, throw a party. But make sure your parents are home. Freshmen parties are often used by older kids as a place to crash, get smashed and destroy a house. Instead, inviting a few friends over for quality fun and conversation will create more valuable experiences, bonds and memories.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from James

Something that happens very commonly for me is I’ll have little phases in which I’ll be very motivated to do something ... Most commonly, it’ll be to become more organized or study harder or work out and eat healthier.

I emphasize the word PHASE because that’s all they are. They come and go.

How do I make myself motivated enough to make these phases long enough to not be only phases? What is some advice you have?


My advice is that you stop looking at these changes as “phases,” and start looking at them as actual hard turns in a new direction. Being motivated to change is only the beginning. The next part is doing something that is hard even when it feels like a struggle. That is when you will feel the best after getting it down.

The stuff we work for has the most meaning. After you push past the part where they change feels difficult the change becomes your new normal.

So, here’s how it works. Once you make that change, tell yourself that this new behavior is not optional. It’s now mandatory. It’s just what you do from now on. Brushing your teeth is not optional. You do it every day? Correct? You don’t lay on the couch and struggle with whether you can skip it today. You just do it.

The same rule applies for any new routine. Whether it’s working out or eating healthy or getting organized or studying. Once you turn that page, it’s now what you do. No options. You don’t go to sleep until your things are where they belong. When you walk in the door you don’t just put something down wherever. You walk to where it goes and place your belonging where it belongs. No exceptions.

You get your homework done before dinner. You study from 8 to 9 p.m. every day. Then you get to relax.

You make the new rule. You are the boss of you. Be tough but fair. Make the rule, turn a corner and keep the rule.

Sure, you can give yourself wiggle room or put into place whatever works for you. Like, cake on someone’s birthday, but don’t bring cake into the home. That type of thing. The new rules have to be rules you can keep. Then keep them.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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