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Tuesday, January 22 , 2019, 6:57 am | Fair 53º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Hookup Guy, Want to be Two Places at Once, Girlfriend Avoids My Family

Question from Eleanor

Hi. I came to you because I have no where else to turn. I have been talking to this guy who is 100 times better than me, and things have been fast then super slow. We went out to eat once and it was nice, but then we never hung out again.

He always hints on me going over to his place, but when I say I’m down, he never says OK come over now. It’s always switched to a different subject. Last night, I was for sure going to go over there. He gave me his number and everything, but then I ended up getting too wasted and the next day he got pissed. And now things are as slow as ever.

What should I do to make him want to talk or hang out with me again? Does he even like me anymore?

Weezy

I don’t have good news. He sounds like a guy who is juggling a lot of girls. You should not have to go over to his house late at night to see him. That is a hookup bait. He is scrolling through numbers until he finds someone who will come to him. That’s not a gentleman. That’s a guy who sees Tinder as an Uber for sex. (and P.S. this describes a lot of men.)

The guy who deserves you will make an effort to leave his house, pick you up and take you somewhere. If you would like to be in a loving and committed relationship, then pull yourself out of the drunken hookup culture.

The guy you describe is not 100 times better than you, but because you think of him that way, he is treating you as if he is.

Do not drink to excess. It only leads to bad decisions and horrible outcomes. Take good care of yourself. When you do that, others will follow your lead.

(Sexy Confidence video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Francesca

Idk what to do. I have a field hockey game on Monday at the same time as my dance showcase. If I don’t go to my game, my coach will be mad and I’ll seem less dependable, but if I don’t go to the showcase, it’ll mess up all the partner pairings and the routine.

Idk what to do. Please help. I really want to go to both.

Weezy

But you can’t go to both. You have excellent talents and intentions, but you are not able to bend time. You are going to need to make a choice. Look at both situations. Which would suffer more without you?

To me it sounds like you are more greatly needed at the dance showcase since it is a partnered situation with specific choreography. However, if you are one of the stronger players on the team and if they really rely on you, then that is also a factor. Weigh both. Choose one. Make your apologies. Explain your conundrum.

I love that you care this much about being dependable. That is such an important quality. It means that you are thinking not only about what you do and how you do it, but also about the people who are counting on you. Be proud of that work ethic. It will take you far.

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Question from Joey

Hey, Weezy! I hope you’re doing well! I just want to ask a girl’s opinion since I’m a little bothered by this! So, I am 22 and my girlfriend is 19 and we’ve been together for nearly two years. The whole time we were together, I visited her family about nine times and she has visited mine once.

Every time I asked or suggested coming over just to build a stronger relationship with my dad and mom so they can communicate regularly, she seems to shy away from the idea and says it makes her nervous or she makes no effort on trying to switch her shift if she’s booked in for work.

For me, I visit her family every week and gained a positive outgoing relationship with them, but in the past I’ve been going to her house and her family get-togethers all the time and joining them for their activities/dinner.

I want to know what do you think of this, and is there anything I could mention to her? Thanks again! Joey

Weezy

Yes, of course. She is going to her own comfort zone and you have been allowing that to happen so it has become a pattern. Have a quiet, calm conversation with her and ask her to recognize a few key factors.

» She is really important to you and so you would like her to build a stronger relationship with your family.

» Every moment you spend with her family is a moment that your family may have enjoyed sharing time with the two of you.

» A healthy relationship requires both partners to give 100 percent. This means that sometimes you will each be challenged to do something that makes you feel scared, uncomfortable or even just uninterested. This is one of those times.

Ask her if there is something specific that is making her feel nervous about spending time with your family. Did anyone make her feel unwelcome? Is there something going on that you do not realize?

In addition to compromise, a relationship also needs communication. If it is just nerves, then the more time she spends with your family, the less nervous she will feel. The truth is that what she is doing right now is unsustainable. She can not expect you to ignore your family in favor of hers. That just will not work. It is a deal breaker. But don’t initially present it that way. Instead, have an honest conversation where you let her know how important this is to you.

When we begin dating someone special, we make all kinds of sacrifices to help grow the relationship. That’s fine but it is also how unhealthy patterns can set in.

Before you two move much further along, you do need to let her know that spending time with your family as a couple is something that you are going to need. Tell her that you will help her with her nerves regarding your family, but that you need for her to try — both for you and for the relationship.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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