Tuesday, May 22 , 2018, 3:57 am | Mostly Cloudy 51º


Louise Palanker: How to Talk to a Boy, Feeling Crushed by a Crush, Time for Sex

Question from Stephanie

Hi, Weezy! So in my school there’s this guy I’ve been dating, and it hasn’t very gone well for us both. Our relationship has been really slow. We haven’t talked a lot. We haven’t held hands or even hugged. Also, our school is very small — like, really small — so anything minor we do is a big deal.

I really like him but we don’t talk much text a lot) and I really want him to be my first kiss. How do I start a nonawkward conversation and just talk to him nonstop? Also, I don’t want to get rejected in a kiss, so how do I tell him (not like literally tell him, but like body language) I want him to kiss me?


With questions like this one it would really help to know your age. It sounds like you guys are in middle school, and so here is something you should keep in mind. When kids are around 12 or 13, they often decide that they are “dating” long before they have even had an actual conversation. This is all part of the fits and starts that ignite our romantic lives.

Know this: If you are officially dating, then you do get to suggest that you start hanging out away from school. I know this sounds really scary and new, but once you are outside of the many-eyes bubble of your peer group you may actually be able to relax into this relationship.

Meanwhile, at school, just continue getting used to each other’s personalities, senses of humor, likes and dislikes, quirks, interests, beliefs, etc. All of that familiarity should come way before kissing.

Don’t be in too much of a hurry to grow close or grow up. You ARE going to grow up. That will happen whether you want it to our not, so let it happen naturally. Right now, focus your time and energy on preparation.

Emotional intimacy should precede physical intimacy. So get to know this kid. Ask him his opinions. Ask him how something makes him feel. Ask him what he believes. Once you go from facts to feelings, you are really communicating. When he says something funny, touch his arm. Look into his eyes. Give him a big smile. When he says goodbye to you, ask for a hug and spread your arms.

When it feels right, suggest an activity together outside of school. Don’'t feel like you are doing this wrong if things do not progress more quickly. Show him that you care with a look. A smile. A touch. The rest will unfold in due time.

(Marissa Rachel video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Janelle

Hi! So I have a huge crush on this guy and I don’t have the guts to tell him. I’ve tried before but I just chicken out. Anyway, since like last week when I finally told a friend it’s seems like he’s flirting with other girls. I don’t think she told or maybe he figured it out. I think he just doesn’t like me, though.

He means so much to me. The quality of my day literally depends on how much we talk and how it goes. It sounds crazy but I feel like I’m in love even though we’re so young. I need help! I need a miracle, but that’s crazy.


What you are experiencing is universal. This is how we crush. I know it is impossible for you to picture yourself feeling this way about someone else, but you will. In fact, you will probably feel this way about a few people before it clicks in both directions. We are all just conductors of vibrating energy looking for mutual energy to connect with. Until that happens let your feelings teach you.

Notice what it is that you like about this kid. Learn from what you are feeling. See this crush as a workout for your heart. This is what love feels like. What qualities in this guy will you be looking for in a potential partner?

I know it is really hard to find big-picture lessons in such a wrenchingly specific emotional whirlwind, but they are there. It’s not at all crazy to feel like you need a miracle. You may or may not get one, but right now all you can do is show this kid who you are and allow him to determine what you are going to mean to him.

It may be friendship that blossoms into love. It may just be friendship. You are going to feel what you feel until you don’t. But know that romantic love is impossible to understand. If he does not return your feelings, that is not because there is anything wrong with you. It is just because you two are vibrating differently. You feel something he doesn’t.

That happens A LOT. Someone else may be vibrating romantically toward you right now and you don’t return those feelings.

Eventually, you will click in both directions with someone special and this current excruciating crush run-through is helping you prepare for that.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Tanya

I am 16. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, and we are planning on growing up and getting married. My friends (who have all had sex) and his friends (who have all had sex) are trying to convince us to, and I kind of want to and I think he does, too. Do you think this is a good idea?


No, I think it is a horrible idea. It troubles me that friends who have done something unwise, think it's their job to encourage you to also engage in dangerous behavior. Why is the initiation of your sex life any of their business? Do you even know for sure that they are having sex? A lot of people lie about this because they think everyone else is doing it.

Imagine, if you will, that none of your friends have actually had sex but they talk you two into doing it and you are the ones who become pregnant.

My best advice is that you wait until you are 18 before you become sexually active. You will then visit your gynecologist and discuss birth control and health and safety options.

Sex is not playing tennis. It comes with serious responsibilities and consequences. It has an impact on both participants dramatically — both physically and emotionally.

You have a boyfriend who is not pressuring you for sex. That is huge and wonderful. He is a keeper. Please do not spoil this by getting pregnant now and having that just rip you two apart. You have futures and lives to live. Finish high school, get into colleges and then talk about taking your relationship to the next level.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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