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Tuesday, November 20 , 2018, 7:51 am | Fog/Mist 48º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: ‘I Don’t Care’ Attitude, Knowing When It’s Time to Move On, Online Relationships

Question from Morgan

So basically I am a very, uh, different type of person, and I have a very eccentric outlook on everything. I’ve always been like this but it’s like no one f**king likes me and it’s not a problem really. I prefer to be alone.

But like it annoys me that I can’t meet at least one amazing person somewhere and make friends with them. Anyways, it really annoys me and I’m ready to give up all the fickle people in my life — LOL — but I’m scared to.

Weezy

To me it feels like you are conflating eccentricity with disrespect. Are you nice to people? So often it just comes down to that. The tone of your post indicates that you have adopted a sort of “screw before I get screwed” attitude. That may be the energy you are expending into the world and this will succeed in keeping everyone at a distance.

Those who say “I don’t care,” usually do care very much.

BUT, they think that if they act like they don’t care well then maybe they won’t. The problem is they always care.

Walls designed to protect you will imprison you.

So be willing to act like you do care about people. Even while you worry that kindness = vulnerability. Of course it does. But you MUST be vulnerable to make friends. The angry eccentric person will earn, at the most, fear. But most likely only disdain.

The kind, eccentric person may encounter those who just do not get her. Push past them. Keep walking. Keep smiling. Only positive energy will earn you true friends.

Ask questions. Show an interest. Be your own cool, eccentric self and, also, always be kind.

This video is my new best friend. I love it so much:

(BuzzFeed video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Layla

How do you move on from a relationship you know you need to move on from? I say I’m done and I truly am, and I just want to go on with my life, but the memories, pictures and coulda-beens haunt me every single day, making me feel stuck. I just want to be happy! I’m always wondering how they’re doing and end up checking up on them. How do I stop that, too?

Weezy

You just have to put yourself on a strict diet of not them. Just no. Mean it. You are not permitted to check on this person. Unfriend. Unfollow. Goodbye.

You are stuck in a loop of addiction to this person. If you need boundaries, give those to yourself. You may not check on this person. At all. Ever.

Practice the good, old-fashioned art of will power.

There was a time when information about an ex was not so available to us. And so we white knuckled it because we had to. Your options were driving by the person’s house (which requires a car a driver’s license and gas) or calling the person (which may lead to many hang ups and a restraining order.). That was it. I would have told you then, “Stop driving by this person’s house and stop calling this person!” Now you can just tap a screen so I am telling you, “DO NOT TAP A SCREEN!”

When you find yourself stuck in a “Could Have Been” vortex, physically move your body into another position. Walk. Run. Put on some music. Dance. Your mind needs a buffer zone. It needs two things: Time and Space. Give yourself these gifts.

Could Have Been is a fantasy. The past happened. It happened for a reason. What is your lesson? What is your future? There is a whole world of people waiting to know you.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Mackenna

Hey, Weezy. So I’ve been talking to this guy I met online for two months now. We have FaceTimed, but I have a problem. He hasn’t responded in two days. He views my Snapchat stories.

And I’m pretty sure he’s still interested because the last thing he told me was, “I know that it may seem a certain type of way but I am serious about you. It just sucks that I'm far away.”

I texted him the next day, “Good morning,” and “It’s OK. I understand.” What did I do? Today will mark three days ... Should I text him again? Would that make me seem desperate? If you think I should, what should I say?

Weezy

I think this is a losing battle. There is so much about your situation that is underperforming as a loving and committed romantic relationship.

» You are physically removed from the person. You have no control over a person who is right in front of you. This guy is far from your view. His silence provides you with very little information and you are basing your next move on scraps.

» This guy is not meeting your expectations. This leaves you basing your attachment to him on hopes and dreams. That may be setting you up to constantly seek and expect less than you deserve.

» When he says “I know it may seem a certain type of way.” That’s because it IS a certain type of way. Either he is going to be emotionally present for you or not. You can not make him do anything. You CAN walk away from an emoji and a promise. It’s not enough. Go find yourself more.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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