Friday, October 20 , 2017, 10:17 am | A Few Clouds 66º

 
 
 
 

Louise Palanker: Meanness in Middle School, Creepy Behavior, Ghosted by a Guy

Question from Julia

So this guy is in my homeroom in middle school and I think I like him, but he’s really mean to me and I did nothing to him. Help.

Weezy

You have probably often heard that if a guy is mean to you that’s because he likes you. Maybe, but that doesn’t make it OK to be mean to you. He could be an immature middle-school kid. He could also just be a jerk. What is it about him that you like? He may be cute and cool but if he is not also kind then that should be a deal maker.

Why is he mean? There could be so many reasons. He may not know how to act around a girl he likes. He may be trying to deflect attention regarding his feelings for you. He may be attempting to impress his friends and avoid being teased. He may be annoyed by your attention. We really don’t know.

Whatever his reasoning, he doesn’t get to be cruel. We teach others how to treat us. When and if he is nasty again, just look at him, smile and say, “Be nice.” If he responds with another insult, turn and walk away.

You have more power than you realize. Don’t reward negative behaviors. Give him no attention until he is friendly. If he is not kind then he does not get to be around you.

(AwesomenessTV video)

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Question from Stephanie

There is a certain individual I know who I feel is a threat to society. It started when he had crushes on a lot of girls. It was a little creepy, to say the least. Adam (the dude) started asking girls out and being rejected. He liked multiple girls at a time. And at that point I knew he didn’t love them, he just wanted a girlfriend and was desperate.

Somehow a friend of mine got too close to him (as a friend) and he asked her for inappropriate things. When she said no and asked him to stop, he just asked for more sexual favors and was rather aggressive about it.

Three girls went to the dean but he wasn’t punished. Then, he became captain of the cross country team and kinda abused his power. Recently, his girlfriend broke up with him and he got mad that she couldn’t handle the fact that he was sexually harassing multiple other girls. Then today he had a video of dead mice on his Snapchat story.

What do you think of all this?? Do you have any advice?? It would be much appreciated.

Weezy

You and your friends should continue going to the dean and saying, “We feel threatened. We feel worried. He feels dangerous to us.” This guy needs help. He may not ever physically harm anyone. But we don’t know that for certain. At the very least he is out of bounds and emotionally abusive. So he must be reported ... repeatedly until you feel that adults are addressing the problem.

Adam is inappropriate with girls. We don’t know exactly how dangerous he could become. Thus far it sounds like the type of behavior that would get him fired from a job rather than a prison sentence. Still, the kid needs help. This could escalate. He’s on a dangerous path.

The video of the dead mice may or may to be related to his sexual forcefulness. He may have found dead mice in his attic. We don’t know that he killed the mice or that he is violent. That is for a therapist to determine. We just see red flags. He should be getting help to deal with his anger and his aggression.

Tell your parents, screen shot any inappropriate texts. Block him. Avoid him. Get your friends together in keeping each other safe. Report anything that crosses a line. You seem very tuned into that line. Continue following your gut.

If the dean remains unresponsive, go to a counselor and to an understanding teacher or even the police. Keep a list of his behaviors. I commend you for not waiting until someone is hurt. Stay on top of this and support one another.

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Question from Angie

I was talking to this guy for nine months and then he ghosted me. I let that slide because he is in college and busy. He messaged me over the summer, and we hung out and had fun talking and walking around the city. Then he ghosted me again. We finally made plans to hang out and he canceled. He called to apologize and said, “I’m sorry, Beautiful.” Since then he doesn’t answer texts!

It turns out he has a Facebook account! I click on the account and it says he is in a relationship with his “ex” but the profile is old. However, his ex has a newer account and I looked at her profile today and she updated her profile picture to a pic of her with him! Wait, I thought she was his ex!

I’m just too upset and confused and disappointed. I don’t know how to feel. I just feel really alone. And I don’t want to confront him because I will seem like a creep stalking him and his ex, and I’m not trying go start drama. It’s just disappointing.

Weezy

You actually have all of the information you need. When a guy wants to be your boyfriend, you will not encounter this kind of struggle and confusion. It will seem easy and natural. You will know that he is into you. He will make an effort.

The truth about his feelings for you will present itself without you having to engage in extensive online research. You won’t have to torture yourself analyzing what he said and what it meant and where he went and what he did or posted and what it all means.

If you find yourself compelled to poke around the Internet in search of clues regarding how committed to you he is, then he is not committed to you. A guy who wants to be with you will put thought and care into being with you. You will not have to wonder. You will just know.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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