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Thursday, March 21 , 2019, 9:25 pm | Partly Cloudy 54º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: No Kissing Edict, Single vs. Couple, Cheating Girlfriend

Question from Vanessa

So, today my mom just said “no kissing your boyfriend.” Well I already have kissed him ... three times. So now what? Do I stop kissing him?

I understand she’s trying to prevent this from going too far, but I feel like I’m in control and have standards for myself. I would never let anything go further than a kiss in these circumstances.

We’re 16 years old so it’s not like we’re little kids anymore either.

Weezy

You are old enough for this to be between you and your boyfriend. However, you have talked to me about the standards you have set. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about them? It’s important that he know where you are placing boundaries.

You know your mom. You are about to enter the time period during which you decide what to tell her and what to keep to yourself. But you are still on the edge. Your mom can be a wonderful guide through the minefield of managing a relationship and establishing both communication and safety with your boyfriend.

There is a relationship learning curve and while you are in one you get to have experiences that boost your confidence and help you feel romantically connected to another person. You may decide not to tell your mom that you have kissed your boyfriend. That is your choice.

But, if your mother is pretty cool then you can smile and say, “It’s too late for that advice, Mom.” You have had your first kiss. I am sure she would love to hear about it.

Parents are in charge of setting up the dynamics of the relationship they will enjoy with their adult children. Your mom can pull you close with loving approval and understanding, or she can push you away with judgment and impossible rules that do not make a lot of sense for someone your age.

These seeds have already been planted. Now it’s your job to decide who your mom is, asses the personality of the relationship she has forged with you, and determine how much you tell will her about your love life moving forward.

Naked Science is here to help you understand what happens when you kiss:

(Naked Science video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Robby

Hey, Weezy, is it normal to not be in a relationship? I have spent 25 years of my life single and now I am serious about finding a partner. How should I start? I feel so lost!

Weezy

It’s extremely normal to not be in a relationship.

This just in from googling:

In 2014, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that 124.6 million Americans 16 years and older were single, or 50.2 percent of the population.

That’s most people! A lot of folks really just prefer being single. If you would like to find a partner then that needs to become something that you work at. You can try dating sites. You can join activities that will place you around like-minded people. Specifically, look for activities online that start with the word “Singles.” Charity and nonprofit work is always a great way to feel better about yourself and become more social.

There are scores of books written about exactly this. Many single people would love to find a partner. In movies it can look like it just magically happens. That cute, available girl comes into focus and you just know that she is going to be the love interest.

In real life when that lovely face appears, she’s married or she’s a jerk or she’s here on a business trip from Serbia.

Sure, it would be great if you just stumbled into a lovely lady coming out of an elevator and soaring music would began to play. That is not likely to happen.

So, get ready to get to work. Research some dating sites. The best ones will cost you a bit of money. You know that people in there are really interested in finding love. Work on writing a profile that is fun and compelling.

Treat this like a job. Start conversations. Make dates, even just for lunch. Put effort into getting out of your comfort zone. You can do this because it is doable. But it will take some doing.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Evan

My girlfriend broke up with me, slept with a guy who I hate, and now we’re back together. Do I have a right to be upset that she slept with the guy? Or not because she broke up with me before that happened? :'(

Weezy

You do not need rights to have feelings. It would be unnatural if you were not upset about the situation you have described. You are human.

But now you have two choices. You can either forgive her and understand that what happened is no reflection on her character or on your lack of character. It’s just life and things happen.

You can choose to love each other through it. Grow closer. Learn what went wrong. Talk about it. Do better. Trust each other and move on.

Or ...

You can break up with her.

What you can not do is continue to date her while being angry and holding this against her. So, give this a lot of thought and make your decision. I wish you the very best.

Marie Forleo has more to say about forgiveness:

(Marie Forleo video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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