Thursday, December 14 , 2017, 10:58 pm | Smoke 43º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Tendency to Over-Text, Apologizing for Jealousy, Relationship Space and Time

Question from Samantha

What does it mean when a guy says please stop texting me? I really hate that I over-text him because of my feelings. He is handsome and kind, which I adore about him.

Weezy

It means exactly what he is telling you. Please stop texting him.

When it comes to matters of the heart, our hopes and dreams will often cloud our view, causing us to completely misread what is abundantly clear.

The cloud is sort of like an air bag deploying to protect our vulnerable hearts. We brace the fall with fantasy. We spin the message with thoughts like, “Maybe he’s shy. Maybe he’s playing hard to get. Maybe he dropped his phone and his dog texted that.”

OK, the collision is over. Dust off the debris and really look at his text. If you texted your friend, “Does your dad have a monkey?” and she texted back, “No.” You would not be asking me what she meant by that. You would understand that your friend’s dad does not have a monkey.

No means no, and stop texting me means stop texting him.

Muster all of your pride and move on. There are wonderful people who are waiting to hear from you.

(Gurl.com video)

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Question from Hannah

So, for around a year I have hated this one girl out of jealousy. She was very close to my ex-boyfriend during my relationship with him. When I broke up with him for the first time, he ran to her for help. He used to like her before he dated me, but he says that since we met he has had feelings for me.

I hate that he and this other girl are still really close. I’ve called her a bitch and a girl who can’t keep her hands off him. She made me mad by how close their friendship is. He defended her and told her I had called her a bitch. She hates me so much, but I know I shouldn’t be upset with her since she wasn’t the cause of my breakup.

We were friends at one point and she was kind to me. I want to say sorry for what I’ve done but he won’t allow me to speak to her. He doesn’t want me to fix anything and let her remain how she is.

I know I’m finishing school soon and I won’t see her, but I want to mend the hurt I’ve caused. I want to explain to her it was out of jealousy and envy that I hated her. How do I approach her or what do I say? I just really need some guidance with this.

Weezy

Trust your instincts. Even if this guy were still your boyfriend, he would not be the boss of you. You should apologize to this girl. I am really uncomfortable with the way your ex has been fueling this feud. He should not have told this girl that you called her a bitch. He should not be resisting your efforts to reconcile with her. What does he get out of pitting you two against each other?

Re-read your note to me. Your answers are contained in your question. Tell this girl that she was always kind to you and that you were simply jealous. Let her know that you actually really do like her and that you would like to apologize for anything that you said that may have hurt her. Do this. You do not need anyone’s permission.

Your life is yours to live. When you feel that someone is owed an apology, providing them with one is a gift to both of you.

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Question from Nora

Hi, Weezy! I need some help with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend.

I was in a relationship with him for two years, and I care about him so much. During my relationship, I had spoken with another guy who was my friend. After countless times of talking with the other guy, he developed feelings for me. When my ex-boyfriend was out, I would talk to the other guy.

My ex-boyfriend left me because I was hurting him, and fair enough. I knew I was the cause of the breakup. I really want to get back with him, but I know he doesn’t want that. I’ve said sorry a thousand times, and he’s told me he’s forgiven me, but I know he gets mad or upset when the past is brought up. That’s when I know there’s still no forgiveness.

He avoids me all the time, and tells me he wants to see what life is like without me. I’m scared he will never want me again or want to pursue a friendship. He’s dropped his friends for me in the past, and sacrificed a lot for me. I just really want him in my life, and I still love him. I know he wants the space, and I’m giving him that, but I don’t know what I can do or say.

Weezy

Say and do as little as possible. Give him what he has asked you for: space and time. In that space and time, think long and hard about what you did and why you did it.

To me, it sounds like the two of you may have been codependent. If he was dropping friends for you, then that is just not healthy. It narrowed his world and made him completely dependent on you for love, support and attention. When you started sharing your attention with someone else, that shattered him.

You may have felt smothered by his devotion, which compelled you to nurture your friend’s crush. You may have been doing that to seek further validation or to test your boyfriend’s total obsession with you. Whatever it was. He was completely vulnerable and you hurt him.

Right now is not the time for you to be focused on getting him back. Instead, consider what you both did that led to this breakup, and how things will be different and better in your next relationship whether it is with him or with someone else. You should not be each other’s entire worlds. You should not encourage a crush outside of your relationship. Consider how and why your relationship was vulnerable to these unhealthy patterns.

Give this guy AND yourself space and time. Give yourself an opportunity to widen your circle and learn more about yourself and others. You never know what wonderful places that time and space may take you.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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