Friday, March 23 , 2018, 12:44 am | Mostly Cloudy 54º


Louise Palanker: Drinking Questions, Mothering Smothering, Request for Nude Pictures

Question from Carly

I need some drinking advice! First, let me say that I am of age for where I live, however that’s 18 so it’s still pretty young.

I have had drinking experiences multiple times, but yesterday I went out and it didn’t go so well. I drank what I usually drink, maybe a little more, and I just couldn’t handle it. I got sick and went home drunk, and my mom had to take care of me the entire night.

I feel terrible and I don’t know what happened. I can usually control myself or know when to stop. I think I’m trying to convince myself that it’s because I didn’t eat a lot before, but I’m scared it’s something else? What happens if I go out again and drink too much? Or how do I know when to stop?

I know that I have done it before and I’ve stopped because I knew I was drinking too much, but if I made the mistake once, who says I won't do it again? And what if it’s worse next time?


Learning how to drink responsibly is extremely important. I’m not sure why we leave it up to kids to figure this out on their own. There is so much at stake, including potentially deadly consequences. Much of your social life as an adult will revolve around eating and drinking. Now, eating too much may be bad for you but it won’t kill anyone else and it won’t put you at a tremendously higher risk of being sexually abused. Drinking will.

After coming of age, you may feel a lot of peer pressure to drink. This tends to subside after you become more sure of yourself and your limitations, and you begin to present yourself as more comfortable and confident in your choices. Drinking can feel very complicated, because in a social setting alcohol will be offered to you, and then as you drink you become less and less capable of saying no to a the next drink.

Well, the solution is actually quite simple, and here it is: Have a maximum of two to three drinks per evening and no more than one drink per hour. That may not seem like a lot. However, if you drink any more than that, you will not feel any better. You will only begin to feel worse and you will lose control of your health, your judgment, your safety and the safety of others.

Drinking is supposed to enhance an evening. It is not supposed to shatter it. Be careful and cautious. If you keep a drink in your hand and nurse it throughout the evening, your mother will not need to nurse you for the remainder of the night. When people see a drink in your hand they will stop asking you if you want more. Once you say, “I’m good,” a few times, they will also get used to the idea that you are not a big drinker.

If you remain sane and sober, you will remain safe and sound and you will be able to help keep your friends safe. Learning and knowing your own limits actually gives you a ton of freedom to relax and enjoy yourself.

(JointBaseSanAntonuio video)

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Question from Anthony

Hi, Weezy. I need your advice and help. My mom is very nosy, to the point that she wants to know absolutely everything in my life. I am 24 and when I’m home she’s constantly banging on my door, calling me nonstop all day and texting me why I’m not at work. Or if I’m out, she will call me and when I come home she asks me, until I tell her where I was.

She’s always telling me to stop spending money when all my sisters shop and she doesn’t tell them to stop spending or save. Just me. I have told her to stop being nosy and prying in my life, and she says I’m disrespectful. My mom will even call and text my sisters and brother if I don’t give her an answer. It’s very annoying and embarrassing, considering everybody always hears my name on either a call or message. I feel I am not getting any privacy at all.

If I don’t go to work for two days straight, she will assume I got fired and tell my dad and my whole family, and wait by the door till I’m home to tell her why I missed work. I am so fed up that I have to raise my voice when I tell her every day the reason and she doesn’t accept it.

I am planning on moving out this year, hopefully, but I am getting so angry that ignoring won’t help ... Please don’t say she’s doing it out of love. She is not because my sisters will miss school, miss work, spend money or go on trips out of the country, and she will not say anything. I am the middle child BTW and I am grown with a career and a car that I pay myself. She does not pay any of my bills. Please help.


» Move out now.

» While you are living in your mother’s home, answer her questions respectfully.

» Never raise your voice.

» If I were advising your mother, I would be telling her to kick you out.

» Move out now.

This is all just so entirely dysfunctional. Part of your job as a new adult is to redefine the dynamic between you and your parents. You will be gently teaching them how you the adult expect to be treated. You are not going to be be able to do that while you are living in their home.

You and your mother are engaged in an unhealthy dance. Pointing to your siblings and declaring, “They did it, too!” or “They are even worse!” is a childhood pattern that you need to discard. It gets you nowhere. It does not matter what they do. You are responsible only for yourself. Being less horrible than your siblings is not an achievement that impresses the actual world.

Disengage. Move out of the house and earn your right to the privacy and autonomy you desire.

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Question from Destiny

Hey, I’ve been dealing with some self-worth dilemmas lately, and it’s all due to this boy whom I really like /: You see, he’s my coworker and we go to the same high school, so naturally we became friends, but I began feeling more than that. He’s never been in a relationship before, much less sexually active. He’s a bit on the introverted side, but becomes more outgoing once you get to know him. He hangs with a quieter group and I hang with the outgoing party kids.

We’ve been getting to know each other and bonding for six months, and I’ve just finally started to speak to him over the phone and develop a relationship outside of work. We went to an aquarium together and got a little flirty. I really thought we were headed toward a relationship until he began getting a little sexual. I admit I was sending him mildly provocative pictures, but they were definitely not too scandalous or anything of the sort.

I thought since we were getting closer in this way, there would be no harm but I felt a shift and soon enough he started calling me beautiful but he doesn’t know if he wants a relationship. I told him I understood, but right after he asked me for nudes.

At this point I realized he might be seeing me as more of a down-to-do-anything girl rather than one you would date. I was upset but I still wanted him in my life ... more than a friend. He was still being really sexual with me despite having no experience, so I gave in and we established a no-strings-attached friends with benefits/:

I’m just not sure if this is the right choice. I feel like I’ll fall harder for him, which would be terrible since he no longer sees me like that apparently. I just want to know why he suddenly became this way and why I wasn’t enough to pass the lines of being a girlfriend. There was this other girl in the picture. They would talk and text until she ended it, and I know he liked her. I’m just curious if he would have directed things in a sexual direction with her or if he just thought he could do that with me.

Anyways, we are talking much more now and he’s seeming very interested in what I’m doing and how I’m feeling and telling me I’m beautiful, but I feel like it’s only because of what he is getting from me sexually. I’m just very confused and don’t know what I should do. Please help.


As you already know, there is a cause and effect relationship between our behaviors and the results we experience. If you want to be seen as a girlfriend, then see yourself as a girlfriend.

There is an old saying that goes, “Why buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?” Yes, that is hokey and borderline misogynistic. You are not for sale. But the general point is an excellent one. You want romance. You want an emotional connection. If you are not receiving what you want, then why are you giving him what he wants? He’s not your boyfriend. He doesn’t get to see you nude.

The big lie is expecting to obtain girlfriend status by being sexual. You may want to see it as a sort of sneak preview or “Hey, here’s what you would be getting!” That’s not how the guy sees it. However shy the guy, if he watches some idiot on YouTube telling him how to get nudes from any girl, he may just go ahead and try to get nudes from any girl. Try this YouTube search yourself. “Tell her she’s beautiful!” is Step One.

I know that you thought this quiet boy was not going to be that guy. Well, apparently he is. So stop giving him something very personal and private that belongs to you. That level of intimacy has not been reached and it should not be offered.

Resist the temptation to compare yourself to other girls and wonder if he is attempting to get nudes from them. He probably is, but that line of thinking is just crazy making. Your smoothest pathway to becoming a girl who is not seen as only great for parties and nudes is to just be a girl who sees herself as so much more.

I know you work with this guy so you can not cut him completely out of your life, but return immediately to friend level. Treat him as a friend. Text him as a friend. Be only his friend. No benefits. If he wants to date you, he will ask you out.

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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