Monday, July 16 , 2018, 9:59 am | Fair 69º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Raped by Ex-Boyfriend at 13; Family’s Black Sheep; Transgender Crush

Question from Annie

Hi, Weezy. I was raped by my ex-boyfriend but my mom doesn’t know. How do I tell her, considering that his mom and mine are best friends? It happened two years ago but I need to get it off my chest. I was 13 at the time and I am now 15. He is 16.

Weezy

You should tell her. Do it today. Say, “Mom, I need to talk to you.” She will then understand that something serious is about to be said and she will be prepared. Then say, “Two years ago, when I was 13, ___________ took advantage of me.”

I can not tell you how she will respond. You know your mother. She may ask for details. She may want to know how it happened, where it happened and even what you were doing that allowed it to happen.

She is a mom and her first instinct will be to protect you. Her second will be to blame herself. So, as she receives the information, her thoughts will be very jumbled. You have had time to sit with this event in your mind. She has not.

Prepare yourself for her questions. And understand WITH ALL OF YOUR BEING that no matter what you were doing ... kissing, making out, drinking, you name it ... you did not deserve to be raped.

Your mother needs to know what happened to you. If this were your daughter, you would want to know so that you could help her.This was NOT your fault. Even if you think you were going along with some intimacy.

No matter how this went down, NOBODY has the right to sexually interact with a 13 year old. Not a 14-year-old boy. NOT ANYONE. If you need help finding the language to tell your mom then go to Teen Line and talk to somebody.

A new documentary called Audrie and Daisy explores what happens to teen girls when they are raped by boys they know. On TheLip.tv, the filmmakers describe what they learned while making their film:

(TheLip.tv video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Felicia

Hello, Weezy. Please give me some wise advice. I am the middle child, the black sheep, and I am blamed for everything. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years.

This weekend our plans did not work out and he blamed it all on me. Then my mom piled onto that and put me in a more horrible mood.

When my boyfriend called later, I started to cry and he was like, “How do you go through life being so emotional?!”

He was just ranting and not listening. He says I don’t care about his work problems, but he doesn’t care about any of my problems.

I am blamed for everything and it’s not fair. I have expressed how I feel to everybody and nobody wants to listen. All I can do is fend for myself but I hate that I am caring. I hate that I’m always putting myself second and everybody first.

I have told my boyfriend that I need him to listen to me, not interrupt me, no name calling, no blame and nothing good comes out of it. What’​s wrong with me?

Weezy

It may be time for you to take a look at some patterns. When a person becomes accustomed to a certain dynamic in their original family, they may subconsciously seek what is familiar in a partner. You may feel compelled to blame the world, but the entire world is not involved. Just your family and your boyfriend.

What common thread do they share? You.

You went out into the world and selected someone who felt like home, believing that this is what you deserve and where you belong.

Remember that for you, home is emotionally unhealthy. You are being branded and labeled The Black Sheep. This is not how you are self identifying. You are not a black sheep. You are simply your own individual.

It’s time to readjust your compass. You deserve to be heard and supported and celebrated. You should be getting back what you give. This guy may not be the best relationship for you. It does not sound like he is ready to take any responsibility for his actions or to change.

You can not pick your first family. You can pick the next one. YOU deserve to feel loved, respected and honored.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Cade

I’m in love with my best friend. We’ve been friends since first grade (we’re in ninth grade now). She’s a girl and I’m a trans guy (girl to guy). She’s always been accepting and supportive of me. I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship and I know she doesn’t like me in that way. What should I do?

Weezy

If you know for certain that she doesn’t like you in that way then it may jeopardize your friendship to say something right now. By that I mean it may make things a little awkward for a little bit of time.

The friendship should recover from admitting a crush but is being only friends going to be too painful for you? Or is this a crush that is fun and exciting and teaching you what type of person you will fit well with romantically one day?

An unrequited crush may or may not have something to do with your being trans. It could possibly stand in the way of her being romantically attracted to you. If she is attracted to guys, she may have known you too long to see you with total male energy. When you are ready, you can ask.

There is a whole world out there of people who see themselves as Queer or Pan-Sexual. or any number of gender and sexual preference titles who are attracted to all sorts of other people, including you!

I know that crushes are very painful but friendships are so important in ninth grade. When you get to be over the age of 16 or 17 you should definitely say something to her about your feelings, and then be prepared to take a step back if she doesn’t reciprocate.

I am not a fan of endless friend crushes. Closure is essential but you may be too young to play that card just yet.

Whatever the outcome with this particular girl, you WILL find love one day.

(Barcroft TV video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara​. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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