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Saturday, February 16 , 2019, 2:38 am | Fair 50º


Louise Palanker: Back-to-School Clothes, Handling Rejection, Speech Control, Looking for Intimacy

Question from Marley

My mom won’t buy me any clothes for school. I only have four shirts and three pairs of jeans. I have talked to her about going shopping for school clothes, and she gets annoyed and says "What clothes!?” as if I have a ton already.

I’m a sophomore in high school and I can’t get a job because I’m only 15. School is starting in a few more weeks and I barely have anything to wear. All my shirts are from last year. It’s so frustrating. When I ask her I don’t whine and I don’t ask her constantly. She is fully aware that I only have four shirts, and if I do go shopping she would only buy me like two (ones that aren’t expensive).

Please, I don’t know what to do!


Your mom may be having money issues, and you should be sensitive to that possibility. She may not be telling you because kids do not need to know their parents’ financial details. Kids need to feel safe and secure.

If you are ready to state a problem, you also must be prepared to offer a solution. Here is one you can try. Ask your mom for a modest clothing budget and then turn your search for cute looks into a fun project.

Watch this video with your mom:

(TashaRawr7 video)

In Santa Barbara, click here for a list of thrift stores.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Ally

Hey, Weezy. I’ve been feeling a little down today ... I applied for a job and didn’t get it. I’m into cosmetics and have applied to three places, and have been rejected.

I am currently working but I am not making enough ... I’m going to be a sophomore in college. I pay for everything. Transportation to school, food, clothes, cell phone bill, gym membership, books, school supplies and whatever else when I go out.

I only make $130 a week. I feel disappointed and upset. I keep pushing myself to try to apply for other cosmetics jobs, but I am so tired of trying. Being rejected hurts so much that I just feel hopeless. I’ve been at my current job since I was 16 and I am exhausted.

I feel like I have not had fun this summer and I did not get anything I wanted. I work so hard and do so much, and I’m just stuck at the same level and this is what makes me upset.


I know that it can be disheartening to try for something and not get what you want, but believe it or not, potential is often not measured by your victories. It is measured by how you react when things don’t go your way.

I say this because we all must face failure and disappointment. What do we do in the face of adversity? That is the best predictor of success. Failure can forecast your fate. It’s a test, right? Tests are measurements. Who are you? You are many wonderful things. As you list your qualities include this: I am someone who keeps getting back up.

If a job opening receives 20 applicants, there is a one in 20 chance that you will get that job. This means that you should apply for 20 jobs in the makeup field in order to get one job. That’s just math. It is not personal rejection.

When you try your hardest then you must congratulate yourself. OK, sure, maybe you don’t have the job. But you have experienced one more application process and maybe one more job interview. You have met someone in your field. You have asked and answered questions that will help you learn.

You know more about what to expect. You may be less nervous for your next interview. You may have been someone’s second choice. They may tell a friend about you.

This can be a long list so I will stop here. But you get the idea. We learn by doing. Every experience adds to who you are and who you are becoming.

I know that life is hard, and that it can be very tiring and discouraging. But keep at it. Allow every disappointment to make you stronger and more determined.

You can learn from failure. Here are Tara Suri and Niha Jain on Learning to Fail at TEDxTeen:

(TEDx Talks video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Anthony

How do I control what I say? This is mostly with either my parents or siblings. I don’t have any anger issues, but when I get into an argument with my brother or parents I get annoyed and I tend to say things without thinking twice, and those things can be really messed up.

And I know that I don’t mean anything I say, but it’s so hard to control. It just comes out of my mouth because I’m so used to doing it when I get mad. I just need some help controlling what I say to my parents and older brother because I have a great amount of respect for them. And it feels really bad inside when I say rude things.

Please, what can I do?


You should be able to control what you say just by deciding that you expect more from yourself. Make a list of substitute words and thoughts such as, “You are really frustrating me right now” or “I need to step away.”

You should seek forgiveness every time you say something that you know is disrespectful. Guilt is a horrible emotion but it is here to teach us. How can you train yourself to avoid having to feel this guilt?

Each time you have said something you regret, apologize. Say “I am so sorry” to the person you have wronged. Continue with “I know that sounded hateful and I really regret saying it.” If you do that whenever you do not like the feeling of living with your own words, then you will break yourself of the tendency to say them.

Remember that words are things, and that you are in absolute and total control of the words that come out of your mouth.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Steve

I am a 16-year-old boy and I want to see and touch a vagina for the first time. What can I do to do that?


It’s not that simple. Vaginas are attached to people. Most straight 16-year-old boys have similar hopes and dreams.

But you need to get to know a girl as a person and respect who she is before you should expect the honor of receiving that level of intimacy. I promise you that if you do treat girls and women with esteem and with dignity, and if you do hold their safety and security in the highest regard then your dream will come true.

Most important, you will be sharing that moment with someone who truly matters to you.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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