Wednesday, April 25 , 2018, 1:52 pm | A Few Clouds 60º

 
 
 
 

Louise Palanker

Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Parents ‘Freak Out’ over Sex, Hating on a Boy, Crushed by Crushes

Question from Amber

My parents found out that my boyfriend and I had sex and now they’re freaking out. They haven’t talked to me for three days, and it’s so hard on me.

I know I messed up but they’re acting so immature about this. I can’t stop crying and I don’t know what to do anymore ... I really just want to end everything, and my boyfriend is the only reason I haven’t yet.

I can’t handle this much pain right now. Everything hurt before and now it’s just getting worse.

Please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore

Weezy

It would help if I knew your age. The amount of "freaking out" that your parents should be permitted to be doing is relative to your age. If you are 14, then a serious freak-out level would be expected. If you are 17, your parents should be concerned but rational. In either case, they are your parents and prolonged scorn and outrage is not productive and it is not parenting.

I do agree that if your parents have not spoken to you for three days then they are part of the problem when they should be endeavoring to be part of the solution. Ironically, a kid with parents who are this judgmental is MORE likely to seek love and acceptance in the arms of a romantic partner and more likely to be sexually active too young.

I am not directly blaming your parents for your behavior. I am more indirectly blaming them.

Yes, you need to be held responsible for your own actions but when parents raise kids, they should be ever mindful that they are raising people. People breathe and they eat and they sleep and they play and they have sexual instincts.

When parents raise a person, they need to guide that individual and help her channel all of her desires in healthy ways with predictably good outcomes. If a kid takes a wrong turn, parents can not just throw up their hands and say, “Well, that’s it for you, Missy!” They need to do more guiding. Not less!

I am so sorry that you are in this much pain but YOU are not your actions. YOU are not your mistakes and sex is not a crime. It’s just dangerous at a young age, and your parents worry about your health and safety.

If you feel suicidal, please click here to talk to someone who will understand. Next, choose either your mom or your dad. Approach him or her and say, “When can we talk? I need advice.” Then listen.

All of life is learning. Much of life is teaching. Learn and Teach your parents how to give you more of what you need to be happy and well.

You may want to share this video with your mom:

(Howcast video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Sally

Hi, Weezy. This is about a boy ... And I REALLY need your advice!

So, there is a guy who  asked me out last year. I took two days to finally go to him and say no. The fact that he asked me out makes me HATE him, I feel uncomfortable around him and I have no reason to, but I just do. Weird, right?

Anyway toward the end of last year there was a dance. I went to the dance and I was avoiding him the whole night, then one of his friends came to me and asked me if I wanted to dance with the guy who asked me out.

I felt really bad, but I said no. But he told me I had to, and it would be mean not to, so I went to dance and it was so awkward!!!!!! And now after summer break, I don’t know if he still likes me! And I really don’t know why I HATE him!

Please, do you know the feeling? Is it normal that I hate him when he didn’t do anything bad? I HATE HIM! But why? Please, I need advice Thank you.

Weezy

I know the feeling. You don’t hate him. You hate the whole situation because you have not yet developed the tools that will help you deal with it. So, you hate feeling awkward and guilty and responsible for his feelings.

Look, anybody has a right to like you just as you have a right to either like him back or not. Your only responsibility is to be kind and decent. Do this while being firm and direct about your feelings or lack thereof. Honesty releases tension.

Your choice of language is important when you are delivering a tricky message and attempting to be both clear and kind. If someone asks you out and you already know your answer, do not wait two days.

Simply say, “I’m so sorry but I do not feel the same way.” You can add, “I’m so flattered,” or “I see you as a friend,” or whatever you choose. But once you make that statement, that should be the end of that. If he continues to pursue you, then you get to be a little more clear and a little less kind.

If you are asked to dance and you do not wish to dance, the answer is simply, “I’m sorry but no.” It’s not mean not to dance. That boy is incorrect. It is more cruel to beg a girl to dance against her will.

If this boy continues to show an interest in you when school starts, just tell him that you think he is a fine person but that you are not interested in dating him. Don’t just avoid him. He needs to fully get your message so he can understand and move on. Speaking your truth will free both of you.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Justin

I’ve been talking to my friends about my life and my stress and anxiety. So much that my teacher had to take me to the school psychologist, and, basically, what I’ve learned is that I’ve been holding on to my feelings and it’s been damaging me.

I never allowed myself to have a crush on anyone. I see so many nice and beautiful girls but I never allow myself to like them because I know I shouldn’t be with them or I can’t be with them.

Now I want to have a crush on somebody, but I know that I might end up liking one of my best friends. I don’t want to risk getting friend-zoned and ruining friendships.

I’ve been having a lot of crushes on celebrities, though: Emma Watson, Sabrina Carpenter, Megan Batoon, etc. but obviously, it’s not the same.

What should I do? I just want to express emotions and not get hurt. But I know that whatever I do with this situation, I will get hurt.

Weezy

I think that a lot of kids feel the way you do. This is your emotions telling you that you are not yet ready for a relationship. That is all. You are just better able to understand and express yourself in regards to this since you’ve been to see the therapist.

Having a crush on a celebrity is a good way to exercise those longing and yearning muscles without any risk or pain. You know that the person is unattainable but that if she did know you, she would love you. (of course!)

Liking a friend puts you in greater emotional jeopardy, for sure, but kids who grow up together often move in and out of the friend zone. It’s all just part of evolving as people.

When you are ready for a relationship you probably will fall for one of your friends and she will fall for you and it will just happen naturally. Don’t worry too much about this right now, and don’t force something that wants to be a crush not to be a crush.

It is OK to feel. In fact, it is good and healthy and part of being alive.

Even celebrities grew up with celebrity crushes:

(Vanity Fair video)

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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara​. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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