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Monday, March 18 , 2019, 9:29 am | Fair 59º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Sports Car Envy, Post-Crash Despair, Being Taken Advantage of by Ex-Boyfriend

Question from Mario

Is a BMW a sports car? I get any car for my birthday but it can’t be a sports car, thanks to my brother who flipped his Mustang within two weeks of getting it.

Honestly, this probably sounds dumb but I just want a car that looks cool and Idk any that aren’t sports cars.

Weezy

Some BMWs are sports cars. Some are not. It sounds like your parents are being very generous. But, your first car should be primarily SAFE.

Your brother is very lucky to be alive. I hate to sound like a grown-up but ... Amend that. I enjoy sounding like a grown-up because this is really important for you to hear: Your impulse control is not fully developed. A car is a deadly weapon. You could kill yourself or worse. You could have to live the rest of your life with the knowledge that you’ve killed somebody else.

Click here for a list of safe cars for teens. Please watch this video:

(ABC News video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Cory

I was hit by a car this past Monday and I’ve just been so depressed. I can barely even walk from one leg (my right leg) and I can’t even lift it. I’m also going through a break-up and, ever since this accident, it’s hitting me hard.

I feel like a vegetable not being able to do anything. I deleted all of my social networks because I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore.

I was also in the process of enlisting with the Marines and, at this point, it’s like my world is just tumbling down. I spend most of my time now just sleeping because it’s all I can really do. I just don’t know what to do, and I’d never wish this pain that I am feeling, both physically and emotionally, on anyone else.

Weezy

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It must feel like your world has shattered and that you have lost control of your own destiny. In many ways you have, but in so many other ways this is an opportunity for you to learn what you are capable of achieving.

It’s time for you to re-frame your goals. You should be in physical therapy. This will serve to focus you and rehabilitate you. When you work with a professional, he or she will give you homework, and every day that you do that work you will be building strength and mobility.

Day in and day out it may feel like nothing is happening. But your body is busy adjusting to the trauma it has sustained, and all of the hard work that you do will re-train your system and build a new infrastructure around the injury to support the muscles, ligaments, tendons and tissue that have been affected.

Push through the pain and the frustration, and you will experience breakthroughs that allow you to understand and believe that you are getting well.

Yes, your body needs rest, but sleep alone will lead you further and further into despair. You will pull yourself out of this emotional sinkhole through work and effort.

Yes, there will be days when you feel like you are getting nowhere. Your body knows differently. It needs you to crawl out of bed each day and put yourself through a range of motion. Your body will respond to your monumental effort by serving you well throughout the rest of your life.

I know how tempting it is to continue wallowing. But it sounds like you have done enough of that. Get your body and your spirit well. Prove to yourself that you are a person who can dig deep. Rebuild yourself. The Marines are looking for someone exactly like YOU.

(Erin Nicole video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Phoebe

Hi, Weezy. My boyfriend and I broke up about four months ago. In that time I really learned a lot about myself, and learned that I love him and that he makes me happier. In the four months there was a lot of contact still over the phone.

This past Friday, I told him how I felt and that I wanted to get back together. He told me that he is just starting to feel at peace and just starting to figure himself out now. It’s something that I don’t understand because we’ve been apart for four months now, so how is he just figuring this out now?

Plus, we are still intimate when we see each other. But, anyways, I told him that I would be patient with him and that I’m not going anywhere. I would love to ask him how long I will need to wait, but I’m scared he will get mad and say that I’m being too pushy.

How do I go about this and what reasons should I give him for needing a time frame? Thank you.

Weezy

Wow, you are really letting this guy have every possible card. I want to help you understand some important pieces of human nature. Did you notice that you got yourself way into your letter before you mentioned the physical intimacy? That bit of information that you dropped as an “Oh, yeah,” is actually your lead story.

On some level, I think you already know it. This guy is currently not in a committed relationship with you and yet he gets to continue having sex with you while he “figures himself out?!” Yeah, just, NO.

Here is what you are learning. Giving a boy access to your body does not compel him to choose you as his girlfriend. It leads only to your feeling sad and lost and used.

You have also dragged yourself into a hole from which you do not believe you have the right to ask him a basic question about his intentions without risk of pushing him away. He gets everything he wants. You get only hopes and dreams and fears. This is way out of balance. You are not respecting yourself.

My advice is that you cut everything off with him by saying that this is just not working for you. Here is an excellent rule of thumb: IF you have a sexual relationship with a person AND that person breaks up with you, that person does not get to continue having sex with you.

Take that law with you through life. It will serve you well. You are a person with dignity. Own it.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara​. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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