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Wednesday, February 20 , 2019, 4:43 am | Fair 38º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Strung Along by a Boy, Tension with Boyfriend’s Parents, Playing the Field

Question from Renata

So there’s this boy who I’ve loved since August 2015. He made me believe that he loved me, too, and then when school started he said he couldn’t love me anymore ...

Then he was jumping from girl to girl, and when he didn’t have a girl he’d flirt with me and tell me that he loves me all over again.

Now he has a new girlfriend and I don’t know how to get over him ... What should I do?

Weezy

Maya Angelou taught us, “When someone shows you who he is, believe him.”

This boy is giving you the gift of also showing you who he IS NOT. He is not boyfriend material.

I know that you long to be the one who could capture his heart, and that every bit of attention you get from him gives you a rush of renewed hope that he could or does really love only you.

At present he does not appear to be capable of giving the kind of love you need and deserve. He’s just like a bee hopping from flower to flower.

I can’t tell you why he is behaving this way or even insist that it will never make him happy ... OK, he is insecure and it will never make him happy! (Did I just type that?)

But women do waste a lot of time analyzing guys who don’t really deserve all that much of our attention or energy. You are not his shrink. You can not fix or change him.

He’s not being very considerate about your feelings. So, you simply have to look at the person he is and really get this ... He will not make YOU happy. He will make you miserable. You don’t want that. Look elsewhere for love.

If he flirts with you, don’t engage. Push yourself past this. It’s a distraction. While you are focused on him you are missing all of the quality people who are waiting to know you.

Here are some true confessions from guys who admit to being players:

(BuzzFeedYellow video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Marta

Hi. I really need advice about my relationship. I’ve been dating this boy for eight months. He’s 17 and I’m 18. His parents and I do not “get along.” They read through our text messages and so they know that we are having sex and they also know that I drink. Now they have a bad opinion of me even though I live in Canada where the drinking age is 18.

I’m a good person but they think I’m a bad influence. They went to a therapist about how to “deal” with their son being in a relationship with me.

My boyfriend and I argue about how offended I feel. He is an only child and I come from a large and fun family. It makes me wonder if this is really what I want for my life.

I’m extremely uncomfortable around his parents and find I it so hard to be myself. I’m usually a very outgoing person and I can talk to anyone accept them. I think that’s because I know that they know a lot about me.

But I really love my boyfriend. I just feel like his parents are ruining our relationship. And all of these arguments over them make me like him less and less. How should I move forward? Thank you.

Weezy

I know that you feel very judged right now, but I need for you to set that aside and remind yourself that all people feel judged at one point or another and we all need to be willing to take a hard look at ourselves even as we hold firmly to the awareness of our inherent decency.

You won’t lose yourself as you endeavor to accept the consequences of your own behaviors. You will gain a greater understanding of yourself. You are dating a guy with parents who adore him. That’s a good thing.

I think you could probably use a little bit of a perspective adjustment. This will require you to take a big leap upward and into the shoes of his worried and concerned parents.

Fly above this situation and look down at it from their point of view. What you will see is a 17-year-old boy from a small, tight family. He is dating a girl who is a bit older. She has introduced him to sex and drinking. This is jarring and frightening. You do not want your child growing up too soon.

From there, float on over to your boyfriend’s shoes. His parents are his first loves. They are his heart. They will forever be his clan. He is madly in love with his girlfriend but he does not yet possess the maturity and the language to explain his girlfriend’s goodness to his parents while he knows that they know the contents of those texts.

You have now had a chance to view this dilemma from other angles. Your boyfriend’s parents are not your enemy. You will never “win” your boyfriend away from them.

This is a collaboration. You both love this kid. Do not place your boyfriend in the middle. Instead, say to him, “I get why your parents are worried. Help me understand how I can show them that I’m a good person.”

As your boyfriend becomes an adult his parents will accept that he is a sexually active person who is in a loving and committed relationship. You have not done anything tremendously wrong. It just happened a little too soon for his parents. They will eventually get the hang of having a grown-up son.

Treat his parents with respect and kindness. Stop saying negative things about them to their son. That places him in an impossible position. Show everyone concerned that you are a mature and loving and confident person. Tell this boy’s parents what a wonderful son they have raised. This frostiness can heal. You just have to work on it.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Jeffrey

So I like this girl and she likes me, and we aren’t really “together” but we are kinda moving there. My only problem is I’m really good friends with another girl, and even though she knows about my kind-of relationship, she has being dropping hints that she likes me romantically, and when I pretend not to notice I think I’m hurting her feelings.

And if all that is not bad enough, I think I do like them BOTH and they both like me, and I feel like I’m walking on a rope here. Any advice?

Weezy

When you can’t choose between two options, your choice should be not to choose. Imagine that you are waking up tomorrow morning and that you are now in a relationship with the first girl you mentioned.

What does your life look like now? How do you explain this to your crushy friend? Is your girlfriend OK with you continuing to spend as much time with this friend who has feelings for you? Are you comfortable being locked into one close female relationship?

A romantic attachment is very exciting but it comes with a whole set of new obligations, expectations, understandings and responsibilities. It is not only your connection with this one girl that will change. Your relationships with everyone else in your life will need to adjust accordingly.

Let’s talk about your crushy friend for a moment. You have been pretending not to notice something that is very important to her. You are not being fair to either yourself or to her. And since you are a caring person this is weighing on you.

What if instead of choosing one girl to date right now you had a talk with each of these girls and you said, “I really do like you as more than a friend, but I am just not ready to date one girl right now.”

That’s honesty and and it’s clarity. Stating your truth will make you feel lighter. And waiting until you KNOW that you are in love with ONLY one girl is the best way for you to begin a romantic relationship.

Here is another perspective from Meghan Rienks:

(AwesomenessTV video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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