Wednesday, June 20 , 2018, 10:59 am | Overcast with Haze 62º

 
 
 
 

Louise Palanker: Transgender Transitions, Sister Flirting with My Ex-Boyfriend, Paying for Prom Limo

Question from Melissa

Hi. I have been thinking to tell my mom I want to really transition right now, but sometimes she tells me wait and I do, but I just can’t wait to be who I want to be, and she knows :( (I’m transgender male to female.)

Weezy

The best thing to do would be to see a specialist. Your mother understands that this is a very important decision and she wants you to be certain, but there is medical wisdom that says the sooner a child starts transitioning, the less he or she will have to deal with adolescence and puberty in the wrong body.

For example, hormone blockers are an excellent initial step as they halt the onset of dramatic changes while also being reversible should you decide that you would like to remain a physical boy.

An expert will help you make your decision. Google the words transgender and the name of your town. Start researching and talking to experts and other families who are grappling with the same issue.

Click here for more information about cross-sex hormone therapy for transgender teens.

To help everyone better understand transgender children, please watch this TED Talk delivered by Dr. Norman Spack:

(TED video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Samantha

Hello Weezy. So ... I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I always noticed my sis flirting with him. She knows I love him. She saw me cry my eyes out every single night for eight months and she told me she was not flirting. She would never do that to me.

Well I SAW IT. She finally admitted it last night. She flirted with him.

And the worst part of the story is she said she’s in love with him. Yesterday she cried with me, and said sorry but just ... The heart wants what it wants!

I know I’m depressed when I need sleeping pills and tonight I needed one. I can’t sleep! I can’t stop thinking. I still can’t believe it.

My sister and I are so close and we do everything together. We know everything about each other, so how could she do this to me? I really need an answer.

Please, help me.

Weezy

Tell your sister that when she says, “The heart wants what it wants,” she is quoting Woody Allen, a man who dated and married his stepdaughter, the sibling of his children.

The heart may want to knock over a liquor store, but it doesn’t do that because the head says, “Hey, Heart, that would be wrong.” There are a lot of boys on this planet. Your sister chose to go after your crush. She could have found him very attractive and still decided not to flirt with him until you, her sister, were completely over him.

But do keep in mind that she, too, is growing up and learning that actions come with consequences. You may not feel very close to her right now, so if she experiences you pulling away it is because she decided to romantically pursue your ex-boyfriend.

In doing so, she was not showing a great deal of concern for you. Timing and sensitivity are so important. Sisters really should not be going anywhere near a romantic connection with each other’s exes, unless the coast is completely clear. Meaning, whenever you are ready to move on. Whenever you are prepared to say “I now love him as a brother and I would be happy to see my sister with this guy.”

On some level, your sister understands what she did, so continue to cry with her and also make a request that seems appropriate. You can say, “If you are in love with him and you wish to date him, I will need to distance myself from the two of you. I don’t know how long I will feel angry and hurt but it may be for a long while.”

Or you could say, “Can you please wait a month to date him? By then I may be over him.” But talk to her. Have a dialogue.

We don’t want you getting addicted to pills. Please be careful. These heartaches do fade into memory but right now, as you heal, think about this. A guy who would go after your sister may not be much of a guy.

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Sabrina

OK, so me and my friend are going to prom together. My mom is paying for a luxury car. It’s $140. My mom doesn’t know my friend’s parents and she is not going to ask them to help pay.

Now, I am really annoyed because my friend’s parents are telling her that she can’t go with me because they don’t know me or my mom. And they say they can’t trust anybody. So my friend asked if my mom can go over to her dad’s store and talk to him about it!

I’m like WTF! My mom is paying for your stupid ride. Are you serious? Now my mom has to walk all the way to her dad’s store to do him a favor? Like seriously?! Who does she think she is?! Like YOU’RE NOT EVEN PAYING ANYTHING AND YOU’RE BEING SO PICKY!!!

And her parents didn’t even offer a little money at least. Oh, and now they also want to meet the driver! Like WTF! YOU’RE NOT EVEN PAYING ANYTHING!!! It just gets me so mad!!!!!!! What do I say to her? How do I hold my anger? I just feel like I’m so mad.

Weezy

You are angry because you are not aware of the bigger picture. There are things in life that we value. Money is certainly one of them. But money is a human construct and its value has been assigned to it by us as a society.

You refer often in your post to the money being spent to purchase this car as if that trumps all else. It does not. The Beatles have in fact advised us that “Money Can’t Buy You Love.” They should know. They made a lot of money.

Money also can’t buy you wisdom. If it could, you would not have felt a need to post this question.

There is nothing that people value more highly than their children. Prom is a notoriously dangerous night. A LOT can go wrong. Yes most parents want their child to experience prom. But they NEED to hold out hope that their child is safe at prom.

Your paying for this ride has NOTHING to do with these people’s sense of safety and security.

What they are requesting is entirely acceptable and expected.

If you want the pleasure of this girl’s company in a car that is being arranged by you, then it is YOUR responsibility to help her parents feel OK about it. This is no different than you having a party and inviting people over. Are parents supposed to just send their kids over to a raging kegger because you’re paying for it?!

Arrange a conversation between her parents and yours. If a nice ride is commissioned for prom then the family that pays is the family that can afford such luxuries. It is then this family’s responsibility to make the other family feel comfortable about the evening’s plan.

Hopefully, understanding all of this from her parents’ point of view will help alleviate your anger.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (Family Band: The Cowsills Story is currently airing on Showtime Networks), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Our Place, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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