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Sunday, March 24 , 2019, 11:33 pm | Fair 51º

 
 
 
 
Teenagers

Louise Palanker: Trust Issues, Unwitting Comparisons to Boyfriend’s ‘Body Count’

Question from Camilla

How can I stop having trust issues? I want to trust my boyfriend but I feel like my mind just plays games with me all the time. It’s almost as if I lived in an alternate world.

For instance, if he’s texting someone, I imagine that he’s texting another girl and I later come to find out it’s not like that at all. I’m always afraid he’ll leave me for someone else, or get bored/tired of our relationship and leave — although he loves me and shows/tells me all the time.

I know he loves me and I feel like I know his heart, and he would never try to hurt me. But I just can’t help but think differently sometimes.

He told me that it’s all in my head, and he sees and wants a future with me, but I don’t know why I just can’t seem to believe it. I find myself being very paranoid and controlling sometimes. I get very protective of him when other girls talk to him and, although I want to trust him, I don’t trust some of those girls. And I know it’s not healthy to constantly see other girls he meets or happens to have a conversation with as a threat to our relationship.

Please help me figure this out because it’s driving me insane and I don’t want to lose him.

Weezy

You are the only person you will ever be able to control. You have no power over anyone else. At all. Ever. You can not control other girls. You can not control your boyfriend. Stop trying.

Most important, stop believing that if you let down your guard, then bad things will happen. That is a false perception. It will exhaust you. Once you fully grasp that you are in charge of you alone, then you can take a deep breath and address what you CAN do to improve your relationship.

Start with these two questions:

» Is your boyfriend usually where he says he is going to be?

» Does he usually do what he says he is going to do?

If you can answer yes to these questions, then there is a 100 percent likelihood that your boyfriend has earned your trust.

When a guy is unreliable, unpredictable and prone to excuses as to why he didn’t show up or was unable to call when he said he would ... that’s when you’ve got problems. That’s when you can question what is really up. When your guy passes the two-question test, then you get to let down your guard, relax and pour yourself into creating a healthier relationship.

When your mind isn’t busy inventing problems that aren’t there, you get to spend your energy showing love, planning activities, doing nice things, complimenting him, listening to him talk about his day, talking about your day, making memories, and showing more love, etc. etc. etc.

Your boyfriend does know girls. They may be interested in him. He will talk to people. So will you. You won’t reciprocate or encourage anyone and neither will your boyfriend. It takes two people to start something. As long as your boyfriend is unwilling to be one of those two people, then you still have nothing to worry about.

It’s time for you to relax and enjoy furthering a healthy relationship.

(Psych2Go video)

                                                                 •        •        •

Question from Anya

I’ve been dating this amazing man for about five months now, and we’ve even told each other that we love one another and want to possibly have a future together. (We went to high school together and he’s Arab, so that’s why things moved pretty fast.)

But last night he hit me with his body count number, and I definitely wasn’t prepared, considering that I do know most of the girls, having gone to high school with him. His count is 15 and mine is only three.

I don’t know why, but I keep comparing myself to these girls and wondering if I’m as good as them or has he had better. He’s assured me that everything is different with me because of how much he cares for me, and because those girls meant nothing to him and he didn’t have feelings for them.

I don’t know what to do because no matter what he says, I still compare myself and I know I shouldn’t.

Weezy

What matters is the life you build together with your fiancé. Don’t allow yourself to get hung up on this.

According to Quora: “The median number of opposite-sex partners in a lifetime among U.S. men and women aged 25-44 years of age is 6.6 for men and 4.3 for women.” (National Center for Health Statistics, 2015)

His count is high. You can ask him why he thinks that is and why he thinks he is ready to settle down right now. Those are important conversations, but stop comparing yourself to other people. You are only able to be one person in this current lifetime. She is plenty.

He is choosing to be with you. Enjoy each other. Sex is only one portion of life. Love is what matters most. Add trust and communication to the love and you two will be just fine.

You can not adjust the past. You can only build a future. Work on that.

                                                                 •        •        •

Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.

Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

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