Thursday, September 29 , 2016, 4:30 am | Fair 60º

  • Follow Noozhawk on LinkedIn
  • Follow Noozhawk on Pinterest
  • Follow Noozhawk on YouTube
 
 
 

Randi Rabin: Daughter Walks In on Parents Having Sex; Living with a ‘Peter Pan’ Type

Dear Feelings Doctor: Our daughter walked in on my husband and me having sex last night, and she wouldn’t talk to us for the rest of the night. What do we say to her? She is 14.

— Awkward Parent in Goleta

Dear AP: Many people have had a similar experience like you described when they were growing up. At 14, your daughter most likely has had sex-education classes at school and knows the basic things.

First, meet her right where she is. Ask her what she is so upset about. She will have her own ideas and questions around this entire incident.

This is the perfect time for you and your husband — well, perhaps just you — to sit down and tell her that loving someone and wanting to be close to that special person is a natural thing in life, and that’s exactly how she was born.

Will it gross her out? Yes. Will she ask you to stop now? Yes. And when she begins experimenting with her own special someone, you will have planted those essential seeds of kindness, tenderness and caring with another person who is as special to her as her father is to you. Job well done.

Dear Feelings Doctor: How does a person live with a “Peter Pan” type? How do you get your emotional needs met?

— T.S. in S.B.

Dear T.S.: In psychological terms, these men are called puer aueturnus, meaning eternal youth. They are childlike, fun and exciting, and most of them have come from a family where the father was absent. They have strong ties to their mothers, positively or negatively.

While they are uber exciting in the beginning of a relationship, they are known for being a wanderer, always looking for that perfect mother in every woman. Some men when they reach middle age have begun to get a handle on their “Peter Pan parts” and have actually done some inner work on themselves.

You want to know how to get your needs met? If you want to G. E. T., you have to A. S. K.

This is one guy who really needs a road map, so if you have the patience, let him know what you want. Tell him what you need, show him how to please you. Most Peter Pan partners really do want to grow up by the time they are in their 40s or 50s; they just need a lot of guidance. On the other hand, there are those who love to fly around the world sprinkling their fairy dust on life and have no desire to lose their tights. Which one is at your door?

Got a question for The Feelings Doctor? Click here to submit a question anonymously.

                                                                        •        •

Imagine This ...

Gratitude is the music of the heart. When its chords are swept by the breeze of kindness. Share your open hand with someone today.

— Psychotherapist Randi Rabin, M.A., MFTI, answers reader questions in her weekly Noozhawk column, The Feelings Doctor, and can be contacted at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Antioch University Santa Barbara and completed her master’s degree in psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute under the guidance of renowned psychologist Stephen Aizenstat, Pacifica’s chancellor and founding president. She has worked as a counselor with a number of local nonprofit organizations and schools. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

Reader Comments

Noozhawk's intent is not to limit the discussion of our stories but to elevate it. Comments should be relevant and must be free of profanity and abusive language and attacks.

By posting on Noozhawk, you:

» Agree to be respectful. Noozhawk encourages intelligent and impassioned discussion and debate, but now has a zero-tolerance policy for those who cannot express their opinions in a civil manner.

» Agree not to use Noozhawk’s forums for personal attacks. This includes any sort of personal attack — including, but not limited to, the people in our stories, the journalists who create these stories, fellow readers who comment on our stories, or anyone else in our community.

» Agree not to post on Noozhawk any comments that can be construed as libelous, defamatory, obscene, profane, vulgar, harmful, threatening, tortious, harassing, abusive, hateful, sexist, racially or ethnically objectionable, or that are invasive of another’s privacy.

» Agree not to post in a manner than emulates, purports or pretends to be someone else. Under no circumstances are readers posting to Noozhawk to knowingly use the name or identity of another person, whether that is another reader on this site, a public figure, celebrity, elected official or fictitious character. This also means readers will not knowingly give out any personal information of other members of these forums.

» Agree not to solicit others. You agree you will not use Noozhawk’s forums to solicit and/or advertise for personal blogs and websites, without Noozhawk’s express written approval.

Noozhawk’s management and editors, in our sole discretion, retain the right to remove individual posts or to revoke the access privileges of anyone who we believe has violated any of these terms or any other term of this agreement; however, we are under no obligation to do so.

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.



Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >