Thursday, November 15 , 2018, 4:05 pm | Fair 76º


Randi Rabin: Married Woman Leaves But Won’t Divorce; Underage Drinking and Social Host Liability

Dear Feelings Doctor: I fell in love with a married woman, as did she with me eight years ago. I told her if she left her husband we could be together. She left him, but she refuses to divorce him. Her reasons are: 1) his health insurance is better than mine; 2) the longer she stays with him the more money she will get from his retirement/palimony; and 3) it will hurt their grown kids. All I can think is: Will she do this to me?

— Jeff

Dear Jeff: When one leaves their current mate for another, there will always be some type of energetic unfinished business. Jumping out of the frying pan into the fire doesn’t leave much room for personal growth.

I do believe there are many different ways to be in a relationship if those involved are willing to work at creating what they truly desire. It doesn’t have to be a typical version of anything. It can be the recipe that works for you, your partner and everyone involved, providing it carries the elements of honesty, openness and integrity from all parties.

After eight years, something must still be working! Perhaps the idea of being in a relationship but not really being in on the day-to-day workings that make a house run smoothly allows the newness to remain. Still “quasi-dating” after all this time may be the answer to your longevity. She has stated her reasons for staying where she is. What are yours?

Dear Feelings Doctor: Last week, my daughter, who is 16, went to a party where there was drinking. I just found out about it, and I am so angry. She said her friend’s father was fine with it. What do I do?

— Square Dad

Dear Square Dad: First of all, it is such a dangerous situation for anyone to allow underage drinking to take place in their home. That said, it happens all the time. The consequences are high, and the aftermath can be life-changing. So, have a candid conversation with your teens.

The monetary fine that the parents’ are responsible for and the safety of everyone on the property also falls on the homeowner. Let your teenagers know if they feel unsafe, uncertain or uncomfortable at another person’s house they have your permission to call any time, day or night! Your main concern is their safety. The “talk” comes after they are home, safe and sound.

The longer a young person waits to try alcoholic substances, the less likely they are to develop a desire for it, and the easier it will be to say no — “no” is the new cool …

Got a question for The Feelings Doctor? Click here to submit a question anonymously.

                                                                        •        •

Imagine This ...

There is an inmost center in us all, where truth abides in fullness. To know this innermost center, we must open a way for the “imprisoned splendor” to escape … — r browning

Expressing our God-given gifts is the inheritance we leave to this world …

— Psychotherapist Randi Rabin, M.A., MFTI, answers reader questions in her weekly Noozhawk column, The Feelings Doctor, and can be contacted at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Antioch University Santa Barbara and completed her master’s degree in psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute under the guidance of renowned psychologist Stephen Aizenstat, Pacifica’s chancellor and founding president. She has worked as a counselor with a number of local nonprofit organizations and schools. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made using a credit card, Apple Pay or Google Pay, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments and a mailing address for checks.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Select your monthly membership
Or choose an annual membership

Payment Information

Membership Subscription

You are enrolling in . Thank you for joining the Hawks Club.

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover
One click only, please!

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.
You may cancel your membership at any time by sending an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.