Sunday, June 24 , 2018, 2:07 pm | Overcast 66º


Randi Rabin: Is Going to a Gentleman’s Club Cheating on Your Mate?

Dear Feelings Doctor: I have had this question on my mind for quite some time: Is going to a gentleman's club cheating on your mate? Please tell me your thoughts on this. Thanks.

— Curious in Santa Barbara

Dear Curious: There are opinions for both sides of this never-ending topic. Going to a gentleman’s club is a personal preference for those involved. Have this open discussion with your mate and find out the proper boundaries for the both of you.

There is an element of taboo that looms over this type of behavior, and perhaps that’s what makes it seem so exciting and a bit naughty. When we pass someone on the street, or see a nice-looking person in line in front of us at a coffee shop, our mind (sometimes) goes to places of fantasy. Being sexually excited is something that will occasionally happen!

Take that passionate energy home with you and share it with your mate. The arousal that comes from that organic place inside of us is something to welcome and celebrate. Knowing how to express it and with whom is another story. If you are in a monogamous relationship, this is a great time to share these sexy, steamy feelings with her or him and keep those fires at home really hot!

Dear Feelings Doctor: I fell in love with a married woman, as did she with me eight years ago. I told her if she left her husband we could be together. She left him, but she refuses to divorce him. Her reasons are: 1) his health insurance is better than mine; 2) the longer she stays with him the more money she will get from his retirement/palimony; and 3) it will hurt their grown kids. All I can think is: Will she do this to me? Mahalo.

— Joyous Jeff, hoping not to be Sad-Guy-Jeff in Happy Canyon/Santa Ynez

Dear Joyous Jeff: When one leaves their current mate for another, there will always be some type of unfinished business within — whether it is the fear of being alone, or the simple fact that they cannot express their true heartfelt wishes, or sometimes it really may be “true love.” Jumping out of the frying pan into the fire (as the saying goes) doesn’t leave much room for personal growth, though.

That said, I do believe there are many different ways to be in a relationship if those involved are willing to work at creating what they truly desire. It doesn’t have to be a typical version of anything. It can be the recipe that works for you, your partner and everyone else involved, providing it carries the elements of honesty, openness and integrity from all parties.

After eight years, something must still be working! Perhaps the idea of being in a relationship but not really being in on the day-to-day chores that make a house run smoothly allows the newness to remain. Still “quasi-dating” after all this time may be the answer to your longevity.

She has stated her reasons for staying where she is. What are yours, Joyous Jeff?

Dear Feelings Doctor: My sister is in a coma from a car wreck, and she has been unconscious for six weeks now. We don’t know the extent of the trauma or her injuries yet. Our family is too sad, and I don't know what to do. Please help with anything that can make it easier. Thank you.

— Me in Santa Barbara

Dear Me: There is nothing more powerful than the human spirit, and nothing more important than tender loving care. It may be difficult for you to do during this time, but go as often as you can and read to your sister. Hold her hand, touch her and let her hear your voice. Share stories from your past that the two of you have laughed about over the years, and that you have plans for more adventures for the two of you.

There is an unspoken language that exists even when there is no movement noticed. There is always a reason for hope. Carry that light of love and hope with you. Let it shine brightly for you, your family and your sister.

Imagine This: I expand my vision to see unlimited possibilities.

Got a question for The Feelings Doctor? Click here to submit a question anonymously.

— Psychotherapist Randi Rabin, M.A., MFTI, answers reader questions in her weekly Noozhawk column, The Feelings Doctor, and can be contacted at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Antioch University Santa Barbara and completed her master’s degree in psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute under the guidance of renowned psychologist Stephen Aizenstat, Pacifica’s chancellor and founding president. She has worked as a counselor with a number of local nonprofit organizations and schools. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Enter your email
Select your membership level

Payment Information

You are purchasing:

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >