Monday, November 20 , 2017, 4:38 am | Fair 52º

 
 
 
 

Randi Rabin: Advice for Newly Divorced Dad, and Teen Considering Sex for First Time

Dear Feelings Doctor: I have this friend who is recently divorced. He has children who he loves very much. Most of them are grown, and one is a child with Down syndrome.

His wife is making it hard for him to see the children. She has called the cops while they stay over and has made some very harsh statements — none of which are true. I advised him to back away for a while and focus on getting his "new" life back on track. Would you consider this good advice? Peace and love ...

 — Feeling for a friend in Virginia

Dear Friend: To back away from the ex-wife is perhaps a good idea. To back away from his children, I am not so sure about. Children are always the ones caught in the middle when divorce happens. As difficult as it is for grownups, can you imagine what is going through the mind and heart of a child?

Being kind, thoughtful (that means biting your tongue often) and honoring the family they share should be the first priority. It will be the greatest gift that this friend can give his children.

Half of his kids will always be part of his ex-wife, and the other half will be of him. To shame and dishonor the mother/father is like shaming the children for who they are. It will never be worth it!

Tell your friend to start a yoga class or maybe a boxing class. Suggest that he focus on the direction in which he desires to go instead of what he wants to release. His life will gradually go forward on the right track. Bless you for caring about them all.

Dear Feelings Doctor: I liked your answer for the girl who decided not to have sex with her boyfriend anymore. I am thinking about having sex for the first time with mine and am nervous about it all. Is there advice you can give me? I am 14 years old.

— Stephanie

Dear Stephanie: The first piece of advice that I would like to give you is, “PLEASE WAIT!”

Before you decide to go through with this for the first time (the first time only happens once, so make it really special), talk to someone who you will really listen to and hear what he or she might share with you about this topic.

I understand the curiosity and pull as a teenager to explore all the things that are running through your body and mind right now, so take it slow. Have conversations with the people you trust and respect about it. When we are not sure, waiting is always the best answer.

This bright new day — complete with 24 hours of opportunities, choices and attitudes. A perfectly matched set of 1,440 minutes. This unique gift, this one day, cannot be exchanged, replaced or refunded. Handle with care. Make the most of it. There is only one to a customer.

Got a question for The Feelings Doctor? Click here to submit a question anonymously.

                                                                        •        •

Imagine This ...

"Thirty years from now, it won’t matter what shoes you wore, how your hair looked, or the jeans you bought. What will matter is what you learned and how you used it." — from the hallway at Santa Barbara Middle School. Carpe diem …

— Psychotherapist Randi Rabin, M.A., MFTI, answers reader questions in her weekly Noozhawk column, The Feelings Doctor, and can be contacted at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Antioch University Santa Barbara and completed her master’s degree in psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute under the guidance of renowned psychologist Stephen Aizenstat, Pacifica’s chancellor and founding president. She has worked as a counselor with a number of local nonprofit organizations and schools. Click here for previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click here to get started >

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.



Reader Comments

Noozhawk encourages free expression, regardless of viewpoint, but requires that such expressions be civil in tone, respectful of other commenters and relevant to the stories on which they are posted. We reserve the right to remove any comment for any reason.

By posting on Noozhawk, you:

» Agree not to submit a comment that is abusive, defamatory, disrespectful, illegal, libelous, profane, vulgar or disparaging (whether on the basis of disability, ethnicity, gender, nationality, race, religion, sexual orientation, traits with which people are born, or otherwise).

» Agree not to submit a comment that attacks or threatens another person, threatens or promotes violence, wishes for harm to befall another person, invades another person's privacy or proprietary rights, or uses expletives (including veiled profanity).

» Agree not to stalk or harass another person, dominate the conversation, discourage participation by others, or bait, belittle, bicker with, mock or taunt others.

» Agree not to solicit others. You agree you will not use Noozhawk’s forums to solicit and/or advertise for personal blogs and websites, without Noozhawk’s express written approval.

» Comments with spam or self-promotional links are not allowed. Comments that include links are automatically routed to a Pending queue. Regularly checking it is not a priority of ours.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >

Meet Your Realtor Sponsored by Village Properties


John Sener
"I am known for tenacity, diligence, honesty, and sound decision making with the ultimate goal of closing every transaction to the satisfaction of all involved parties."

Full Profile >