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Saturday, February 16 , 2019, 12:46 pm | A Few Clouds 59º


She Said, Z Said: A Fool and His Money Are Soon the Subject of a Survey

But if you want to know how to waste it, She Said, Z Said have some expert opinions.

She: I read this poll on AOL today on “what do you think is the best way to waste money?” What do you think it was?

Z: Fast cars and shady women? And, solely out of curiosity, where is our local shady women emporium?

She: Those two didn’t even make the top six.{mosimage}

Z: I guess I’m thriftier than I thought.

She: Gambling was No. 1.

Z: I would have bet on that.

She: Followed by bottled water, designer clothes, eating out, cable TV and wrapping paper.

Z: It’s as if they didn’t even have to take a poll. They just moved into your brain for a week.

She: Four out of six is pretty impressive.

Z: And you should get at least partial credit for designer clothes and gambling. If we had more money, I’m sure you’d be wasting it on both of those as well.

She: I try to do my part.

Z: I love that it’s a poll on the “best” ways to waste money.

She: I always thought if I won the lottery I’d love to get a bunch of dollar bills and throw them around on State Street.

Z: Dollar bills? If we’re talking about “best” ways to waste money you’d have to use twenties, at least.

She: Makes sense.

Z: No, it doesn’t make sense. The “best” ways to waste money makes no sense at all.

She: That’s because the “worst” ways aren’t nearly as fun. Getting robbed, swindled or losing money in a drug deal gone sour don’t have the same populist appeal.

Z: Even for the “best” ways, it feels like they’re not thinking outside the box. They picked water, food, clothing and TV — all basic necessities — and then they looked for slightly extravagant versions.

She: What about the wrapping paper? Get it? Wrapping paper? Outside the box?

Z: No. As the resident stereotypical male, I don’t understand anything about wrapping paper, not even the jokes associated with it. What is this wrapping paper of which you speak?

She: Don’t they know that we have to buy the wrapping paper to support our kid’s school? It’s for the children. How can that be a waste of money? Plus it’s so shiny and pretty.

Z: I’m saying that they’re wasteful spending amateurs compared to you. They didn’t even consider rubber stamps and scissors with curvy edges.

She: Which you can actually get really good deals on this time of year, if you’re thrifty like me.

Z: Bulk does not equal thrift, especially not when it comes to curvy scissors.

She: You should see how much I’ve saved with all those “buy one, get one free” deals.

Z: Is that why we have a case of chicken noodle soup and 12 jars of olives on our front porch?

She: Dinner of champions.

Z: I find it hard to believe that $70 dollar lattes didn’t make the wasteful list.

She: Do not blaspheme. Going to Java Station or the Daily Grind is not a waste of money. It’s not on the list, therefore it can’t be.

Z: You’re also a sucker for anything that says “New” on it. It could be a can of sun-dried pig feet, but if it was attractively packaged and said “New” on it, we’d have to try it.

She: And if it said “New” and “Pillowier” and was toilet paper, then I might have to invest.

Z: Why aren’t school fund raisers on this list? We have to buy overpriced, stale cookies from our nieces every year, when it would be easier to just write a check.

She: True, but who else are we going to sell our school’s wrapping paper to?

Z: What about all that chocolate? Doesn’t it seem like chocolate is a waste of money?

She: Why are we even still married?

Z: Yes, dear.

What do you think the “best” ways to waste money are? Share your answers with She and Z at [email protected].

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