Friday, March 23 , 2018, 8:48 am | Fair 47º


She Said, Z Said: Before You Say I Do ...

While candidates woo us, She Said, Z Said evaluate their wedding records.

She: You know how there’s all this talk about the soccer moms and the NASCAR dads and the Obama mamas and the Huckabee hives deciding the presidential election?

Z: Tell me you made up the Huckabee hives.{mosimage}

She: I just read about another voting bloc we need to consider: the brides.

Z: Brides vote? I thought brides had been disenfranchised ‘cause they’re all crazy.

She: There’s a Web site,, that is dedicated to “getting the bride engaged in the 2008 election.”

Z: It kind of makes sense. If there’s anyone who is good at making decisions, it’s a bride. Roses versus peonies; fish versus fowl; sit the psychotic cousin by the caterer versus your backstabbing college roommate — with this kind of decision-making prowess, who better to pick our next president?

She: It’s sponsored by the Knot, the Nest and the Wedding Channel.

Z: Of course. I visit those sites all the time.

She: Seriously. They even have the wedding stories — and photos — of the candidates.

Z: This is why I’ll never run for president.

She: Hillary Clinton married Bill in her living room with only 15 guests, which must mean they didn’t have a lot of friends.

Z: Maybe that’s why she cried in New Hampshire last week. It finally bubbled up to the surface that she didn’t have her dream wedding. With repression skills like that, the Monica thing won’t get processed until halfway through her second term, and then she’ll go nuts and nuke Canada. I’m definitely voting for Hillary now.

She: And get this: the Kuciniches planned an alcohol-free, vegan reception without any plastic disposable cups, plates or flatware, but then some of their friends brought beer, champagne and plastic cups.

Z: An alcohol-free wedding?

She: Seriously, I may have to reconsider my support.

Z: If weddings were alcohol-free, you and I never would have met.

She: I think about that sometimes, especially late at night as I’m crying myself to sleep.

Z: At least the Kuciniches have friends.

She: But they can’t even control them at their own wedding. How are they supposed to run the country?

Z: She’s pretty hot, so really it doesn’t matter to me. I’m definitely voting for Kucinich now.

She: The explanation for the site says it was “designed to educate using a one-click, comparison-shopping model aimed to simplify the research process for this busy audience alongside fun, relatable editorial about the presidential candidates (like how nervous they were the day they tied the knot)."

Z: Phew, that’s a relief. I was afraid that they might want to explain some of the issues or something ridiculous like that.

She: Apparently more than a one-click comparison-shopping might be too confusing for women with tulle and mini-quiches on the brain.

Z: I’m pretty sure that if you had voted on your wedding day, Carol Brady would be president now.

She: She’d be great, too.

Z: Alice would be an awesome defense secretary.

She: You can see the electoral value in knowing how a candidate copes with wedding day jitters. If they’re cool under that kind of pressure then certainly they can handle leading this country into war.

Z: Huckabee proposed with a pull-tab from a soda can — sort of an engagement under false pretenses. So, yeah, if he follows in Bush’s footsteps, then he should be able to get the country into war by making up a fake intelligence report, and calling it an engagement ring.

She: The Obamas refused to reveal the details of their wedding on the site. Do you think it’s because they couldn’t agree on what to say?

Z: The candidate of hope won’t reveal details of one of the most hopeful days in many people’s lives? Hmm. I’ll bet they had one of those nudie weddings. I’m definitely voting for Obama now.

She: Yes, dear.

She and Z had lots of alcohol and 5,787 close friends at their wedding. This is not a joke. E-mail [email protected] tips on planning your own nuptials.

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