She: I just saw the new product I want more than anything in the world.
Z: You got your iPhone. Is it chocolate-covered-chocolate?
Z: Ooh, that makes me so angry! First tampons and the Lifetime network, and now this? You girls get all the good stuff.
She: I know! I’m so excited. I love pens already, and now I can give myself to them even more completely.
Z: How sad that they weren’t around for your Pee Chee Folder years.
She: I know. Think how much better my “Mrs. David Cassidy” doodles would have been with a more feminine pen! At least now I can handwrite all my shopping lists and recipes without injuring myself on one of those big old, wide manly pens that we seem to have all around the house.
Z: And now that there’s finally a pen made especially for women, maybe we can avoid a repeat of the Flannel Incident of ’99.
She: I’m so sorry about that. I accidently used one of those insanely butch Pilot pens — it even has the tough guy word “Pilot” in its name — and next thing you know, I’m living on a lesbian commune in Oregon chopping wood and (poorly) driving the camp Subaru. Thank goodness they finally have a pen made just for me!
Z: And I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m afraid that our Cross pens are starting to give you some unsightly muscles.
She: They’re just so heavy. And don’t get me started on those ridiculously sturdy Sharpies. It makes me weep that you’re away at work all day, and there’s no one around to help me lift the pen.
Z: Problem solved. Thank you, BIC.
She: Seriously, how did I get by all these years without my lady pen? I can use it while swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and playing tennis. But only if I’m dressed in pure white, with a soft focus lens for the most flattering, feminine, unthreatening light. Lady pens are comfortable, leak-proof, nonslip and they make me feel so feminine and pretty! Look at my dainty little hands. ??Where has this adorable pen been all my life? And do you think if I wish upon a star that they’ll make it with sparkles someday?
Z: One can only hope.
She: I sure do wish there were more products made especially for women.
Z: Pens, Midol and romance novels aren’t enough for you? Don’t get greedy.
She: A girl can dream. For instance, sometimes I think that forks are much too complicated for women. Why can’t they simplify them for li’l ol’ me?
Z: It would create fewer trips to the ER. And maybe they should make fire that’s still warm and pretty, but that’s safe enough for a woman to use.
She: That would be great. It’s like solving a problem I didn’t even know I had.
Z: And clothes! Why not clothes that are made just for women? Then we could stop dressing the same all the time.
She: Uh ...
Z: I know. It’s a crazy thought.
She: Not so crazy. Maybe, just maybe, in a perfect world some day in the future, they’ll even come up with walls made just for women. Walls are always getting in the way, and are very confusing.
Z: And all of it — all these things just for women — will be pink.
She: I’m so happy with my new pen. I’ll be over here doodling “Mrs. Zak Klobucher” over and over again. Sigh.
Z: Yes, dear.