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Tuesday, November 20 , 2018, 1:00 am | Fog/Mist 47º


She Said, Z Said: Circle of Life Spinning Beyond Control

It's a fact of life that elephant seals mate the most of it, but She's laughing too hard to make a Teaching Moment out of it.

She: Did you ever think that we’d use elephant seals as visual aids to teach our child about the circle of life?

Z: I always hoped the Lion King would have covered that.

She: But none of these elephant seals was holding up his newborn son high on Pride Rock while thousands of mussels and sea anemones sang a peppy tune.{mosimage}

Z: Which was kind of disappointing.

She: And really too bad. The rhythmic elephant seal throat-clearing sound makes a perfect drum beat.

Z: Although the Lion King was a lot less smelly.

She: They definitely covered the whole circle: birth, death, mating and sleeping.

Z: Sleeping is part of the circle?

She: Easily a big round part of it. Seeing how the elephant seals have mastered the art of sleep almost made me want to become a member of that species.

Z: I actually joined.

She: For the sleep?

Z: For the harem. Those big, alpha-male bulls with their 30 women? They’re my idols.

She: I can’t see you smashing your chest and tusks into other men just to keep a barking, yelping harem of 30 women.

Z: Are you crazy? Those elephant seal cows were smokin’!

She: I had a weird parenting moment when the seals were mating and Koss thought they were fighting.

Z: They weren’t fighting? What do you mean?

She: And then he starts yelling “fight, fight,” and the couple next to us was cracking up.

Z: Two-and-a-half-tons of flippery love-fest is pretty easy to confuse. You didn’t want to take advantage of that teaching moment?

She: I was laughing too hard to go all facts-of-life.

Z: The thing that made me laugh was the groups of weaners. It’s not so much that the schools of recently abandoned infants who wouldn’t eat for three months before they learned to swim was all that funny — it’s just fun to say weaners. Weaners.

She: I can see why you’d relate to them.

Z: And the part of the circle of life that I didn’t love was the end of the circle part. Dead seals ain’t much fun.

She: I remember flushing a few goldfish as a child. It was always about five minutes after we got them home from the fair.

Z: I would not suggest trying that with an elephant seal. Foreboding clogging power.

She: We didn’t even have time to agree on a name.

Z: Flushy would have been good.

She: Last time we went to San Simeon to see the elephant seals, Koss gave them names and made up little stories, but this time he only seemed interested in the action.

Z: For a colony of sleeping elephant seals, there is a surprising amount of squawking, brawling, yapping and blubbery lovin’.

She: Sure. But he actually seemed more interested in the all-male action a mile down on that private beach.

Z: I think he liked the idea of Boy’s Town, where all the juvenile males hung out by themselves and lounged. They didn’t even fight ‘cause there were no cow hotties to impress.

She: All they needed was a big-screen plasma and a Wii and Koss would have joined in a second.

Z: Add beer and you’re right — who needs a harem?

She: Yes, dear.

Share your thoughts on the circle of life by e-mailing [email protected].

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