Thursday, February 22 , 2018, 10:55 am | Fair 56º


She Said, Z Said: Free to Pee

The Whiz Biz for women may come in handy for times when you, well, just gotta go.

She: You know how I have to pee every 10 minutes whenever we leave town?

Z: No, I never noticed. I thought you just enjoyed visiting every gas station from here to Mexico, like how some people collect shot glasses.


She: Well, I saw something online that could really help me during long road trips.

Z: Did someone finally write that book you’ve been promising to write: Clean Bathrooms of America?

She: I wish. I think I’m going to have to write that book myself someday.

Z: It’ll make great bathroom reading. I can’t wait.

She: Neither can I, which is exactly the problem.

Z: It’s not your fault you’re part of the Amazing Mini Bladderini family. I never see you or your mom run, except to get out of the car and run to the bathroom.

She: It is pretty amazing. But for those awful times when there isn’t actual plumbing available, I saw something amazing on YouTube.

Z: That’s fantastic! An Australian commercial selling the Whiz Biz. Now we get to make pee jokes for the rest of the column. My mother will be so proud.

She: Pretty cool, huh? The Whiz Biz allows women to, well, whiz just about anywhere standing up.

Z: No more complaining about having to hover over a slightly unclean public toilet?

She: Exactly. It’s a peeing revolution. Women are finally free to when and where they need to. I mean, not anywhere, but almost anywhere. At least I won’t have to hold it because of poison oak.

Z: Sounds great. Free to pee, you and me. Well, you. Me, I’m fine.

She: We no longer have to have a pot to piss in. Peeing will no longer be a privilege but a right. Women will be in control of our own potty breaks.

Z: Those Australians are awesome. First Vegemite, now this.

She: Ex-penal colonies have all the fun.

Z: I do have one question: Where do you keep it when you’re not whizzing?

She: Hmmm ... I hadn’t thought of that. Yuck! That’s a good question.

Z: I have an even better one. Are you now going to start writing your name in the snow?

She: I guess it would be good for skiing or hiking, when you’re up in the mountains away from any bathrooms.

Z: That would be fantastic, if you liked to ski or hike.

She: Maybe it’s just my bladder that’s been impeding me.

Z: No, I think it’s that you don’t like to ski or hike that’s been impeding you.

She: I may be scared of heights and hate to be cold, but I’m sure I’d find some use for it.

Z: I think the whole deal proves that Freud was right. Women have penis envy.

She: Yes. If only I had an extra silly looking dangling appendage between my legs, I’d be complete. I think you’re jealous because mine would be detachable.

Z: That’s the other thing I don’t buy. You’re going to wash that thing and carry it around with you?

She: No way. I’m waiting for the disposable, fully biodegradable version.

Z: Detachable, disposable and fully biodegradable? I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable here.

She: Yes, dear.

Share your thoughts on the Whiz Biz at [email protected].

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click here to get started >

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >