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Monday, December 17 , 2018, 2:46 am | Overcast 54º


She Said, Z Said: Keeping Score in the Marriage Arcade

What's the point? If you have to ask ... you're just not getting it. But She Said, Z Said has a better idea now.

She:    You know how Koss likes to go to arcades, so he can spend our money to earn tickets to buy a bunch of junk?

Z:  Yeah.

She: That’s like you and your “points.”{mosimage}

Z: No it’s not. My points are not useless. They’re points, which you’ve always given me for doing nice things. You know, I clean the bathroom, and you say, “You get big points for that.” Besides, they sound like sports, which makes them cool and manly.

She: But what exactly are you racking them up for?

Z: I don’t know. You’re the one who started this point thing. I always assumed they’d be good for something.

She: Every time you do a simple household chore, or let me pick the movie, you pretend to get “points.” Do you really think at some point you’re going to hit me with some giant receipt that’ll make me your slave for a day or something?

Z: A day? I’ve been racking up points for at least 19 years. That should buy me a love slave for like a month. I want the prize on the top shelf.

She: You poor, sweet, little dreamer.

Z: What do you mean? Why are you pulling the curtain away from the wizard? Don’t you want me to try to earn points anymore?

She: Oops! Thanks for pointing that out to me. You get big points for honesty!

Z: (glowing) Cool.

She: Since you’re still getting points, maybe I can give you a few pointers on how to get more.

Z: Would you please?

She: The rate of exchange on marriage points is a stealth moving target. You’ve got to be quick on your feet.

Z: What do you mean?

She: Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, but sometimes it’s worth bonus points. Especially if I’m having a really bad day.

Z: When is a kiss a prize and when is it worth points?

She: If you can’t figure that out…

Z: OK, now tell me more about trading in points. What can I win?

She: It’s not that simple. Koss can read the sign at the arcade and see that he needs 1,750 tickets to get a cheap plastic boomerang that will break before we get it home.

Z: Are you saying I need more points before I can get a boomerang?

She: Exactly. Do you have any idea how many points taking Koss to school will get you?

Z: Um … 97?

She: You could do better, but you forget that it’s more valuable for you to volunteer to take him the night before, so I can enjoy sleeping in. When you volunteer to take him in the morning when I’m already showered, dressed and ready to leave, it’s only like 13 points or something. Not even enough for a Tootsie Roll midget.

Z: Here’s what you don’t understand: you’re not the only Point Redemption Center on the West Coast.

She: No!

Z: Yes, I’ve been two-timing you with points. You’re not the only one who hands them out. I “volunteered” to take Koss to school because he asked me to take him to school. Big points. Now he loves me more than you.

She: You’re right. Just imagine how much more he would love you if you took him to school every day.

Z: Yes! And I could make his bed, and clean up his room and do all his chores for him. Well, his chore.

She: I really think you should try it. You’d definitely qualify for a top-shelf prize then.

Z: It just occurred to me: why am I the only one who’s trying to earn points? Why aren’t you trying to get points, too?

She: Yes, dear.

Z: No, you can’t get out of it that easily. C’mon, I want to know why it is that I’m the one who …

She: Yes, dear.

You, too, can earn points, by sending an email to [email protected].

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