Wednesday, June 20 , 2018, 11:12 pm | Fair 63º


She Said, Z Said: Making the Most of the Budget Crisis!

Don't let those educators fool you. There are plenty of better ways California can spend your money!

Z: You know how California has the reputation of being a bit of an airhead?

She:  Don’t confuse yourself with California, sweetie.

Z: Finally, Arnold and the Legislature are doing something to make sure that our reputation is not unfairly deserved.


She: That’s awesome! Do you mean that not only will people think we’re stupid here, but we actually will be?

Z: That’s right. Thanks to Arnold and our Legislature, California schools are dropping down to 47th place in funding — just behind Mississippi and Louisiana.

She: Really? We get to be even dumber than Mississippi? I’m glowing with pride! What made the state finally decide to own up to its bimbo reputation?

Z: Cost savings. They realized it was much more important for the image of the state to stop wasting money on educating kids, and start spending it on people who want to buy yachts but not pay taxes for them.

She: That’s swell! I understand that there are other cost savings, too.

Z: Absolutely. Soon, our child will be learning to spell Mississippi with only two S’s instead of four. That cuts the cost of spelling Mississippi right in half!

She: Wow! You sound like you’re already attending our new, improved schools.

Z: And I hear they got a discount on exclamation points!!! We can use them all we like, which will make us look even sillier!

She: That’s so cool!!! I wonder how our leaders ever came up with this fantastic plan?

Z: It turns out that The Terminator was actually a documentary, and Arnold has access to a time machine. He brought back some extra-“special” legislators from the future — who had already attended these new, improved schools!

She: Golly! Hollywood really does want to dumb down America.

Z: The very, very, very best part of this whole scenario? Evil, evil taxes won’t have to be raised!

She: That makes me want to cry tears of joy!

Z: That’s right! California will have dumb students who grow up to become dumb voters and dumb legislators who will keep not raising taxes so that we’ll have future generations of dumb voters and dumb legislators.

She: Stop! It’s too perfect, too beautiful! If that’s not investing in your future, then I don’t know what is.

Z: I understand that the California Bureau of Tourism is already working on some new slogans.

She: Oh, I heard some of those! “Kalifornia — Putting the ‘Fun’ in Funktionally Illiterate!”

Z: “Kalifornia! Dumber Than Louisiana, but at Least We’re not Marrying Our Kousins Yet!”

She: “Kome to Kalifornia for the Savings! We Kan’t Make Korrect Change!”

Z: It’s going to be fantastic!

She: Quite frankly, I’m thrilled that they’re not giving in to the “intelli-nazis” by trying to throw money at education.

Z: Throwing money at education is the worst idea ever! All that does is shrink class sizes.

She: If they shrank class sizes, then teachers might actually get to focus on all the kids in their class.

Z: I think we all know what that leads to.

She: Learning! We’ll have none of that.

Z: If California really wants to be America’s bimbo, then we certainly can’t be doing smart, responsible things like raising taxes to bring up the quality of our education and spending money intelligently.

She: All the other popular and pretty states would, like, totally make fun of us!

Z: I can’t wait for Koss to go back to school next year, knowing that he’s getting the third worst education in the country!

She: Think of it — with an education that bad — maybe one day he’ll even grow up to be president!

Z:  Yes, dear!!!

Zak and Leslie are super-duper proud! Let us know how proud you are at [email protected], or, even better, click here to let Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger know just how proud you are.

Support Noozhawk Today

You are an important ally in our mission to deliver clear, objective, high-quality professional news reporting for Santa Barbara, Goleta and the rest of Santa Barbara County. Join the Hawks Club today to help keep Noozhawk soaring.

We offer four membership levels: $5 a month, $10 a month, $25 a month or $1 a week. Payments can be made through PayPal below, or click here for information on recurring credit-card payments.

Thank you for your vital support.

Become a Noozhawk Supporter

First name
Last name
Enter your email
Select your membership level

Payment Information

You are purchasing:

Payment Method

Pay by Credit Card:

Mastercard, Visa, American Express, Discover

Pay with Apple Pay or Google Pay:

Noozhawk partners with Stripe to provide secure invoicing and payments processing.

  • Ask
  • Vote
  • Investigate
  • Answer

Noozhawk Asks: What’s Your Question?

Welcome to Noozhawk Asks, a new feature in which you ask the questions, you help decide what Noozhawk investigates, and you work with us to find the answers.

Here’s how it works: You share your questions with us in the nearby box. In some cases, we may work with you to find the answers. In others, we may ask you to vote on your top choices to help us narrow the scope. And we’ll be regularly asking you for your feedback on a specific issue or topic.

We also expect to work together with the reader who asked the winning questions to find the answer together. Noozhawk’s objective is to come at questions from a place of curiosity and openness, and we believe a transparent collaboration is the key to achieve it.

The results of our investigation will be published here in this Noozhawk Asks section. Once or twice a month, we plan to do a review of what was asked and answered.

Thanks for asking!

Click Here to Get Started >

Reader Comments

Noozhawk is no longer accepting reader comments on our articles. Click here for the announcement. Readers are instead invited to submit letters to the editor by emailing them to [email protected]. Please provide your full name and community, as well as contact information for verification purposes only.

Daily Noozhawk

Subscribe to Noozhawk's A.M. Report, our free e-Bulletin sent out every day at 4:15 a.m. with Noozhawk's top stories, hand-picked by the editors.

Sign Up Now >