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Tuesday, December 18 , 2018, 11:54 am | Partly Cloudy 62º


She Said, Z Said: Putting on the Snippy Cap

There's no telling what She Said, Z Said will do when you tell them what to do.

Z: I entertained two ladies from Denmark  all last week.

She: Excuse me?

Z: Not as much fun as it sounds. They’re from corporate headquarters, and we were trying to figure out ways to do business the same way at both locations. Apparently, everything they do is the correct way to do business.{mosimage}

She: I bet you loved that.

Z: Oh, yeah. That’s my favorite, when people tell me the right way to do things.

She: Bring out the snippy cap.

Z: And rightfully so. I already know the correct way to do everything. When someone else tries to tell me how to do it, I think snippy is absolutely the correct response.

She: Like when I tell you not to miss the freeway exit?

Z: If I already knew that was the exit, and I remembered that was the exit, I’ll get good and snippy. All snippity up in your face.

She: Your finest moments.

Z: It’s not just me. I’ve seen you bring on the snippy.

She: That’s not snippy. That’s an honest expression of stress. Like, I go somewhere with my laptop and the log out times out, and then I’m late for the next place I have to go. What does that even mean when it times out? Why doesn’t it just work?

Z: I’m thinking more when the toilet backs up.

She: Stop! I can feel my blood pressure rising with the visual, and that’s without the smell.

Z: You’re the only person I know who would rather go a whole day without peeing than use the plunger.

She: That’s just good, common sense. I’d rather move than use the plunger.

Z: But moving makes you snippy.

She: That’s universal. But I’d still rather move than plunge. I think my fear of backed up toilets is more of a charming quirk, like one of those fake flaws you’re supposed to come up with on job interviews. You know, when they ask about your faults and you answer that you work too hard and forget to take breaks.

Z: You tell people you’re afraid of toilets at job interviews?

She: Well, yeah. If you admit your real flaws, like if you were to tell them about your snippiness for example, you would never get hired.

Z: Great. This is why I’m entertaining women from Denmark. I believe my snippiness is much more deep-rooted than that.

She: Duh. I mean, sure it is. You’re completely self-actualized.

Z: It goes back to when my mom would nag me to do chores. I’d actually hear her the third time she asked me to do something, and truly intend to do it the fifth time she asked me, so when she asked me to do it that sixth time, it made me really snippy. I was just about to do it! I was going to surprise her and actually do it, and she ruined my surprise.

She: Your mom only had to ask you to do things six times? I’ll have to find out what her secret was.

Z: Don’t get all persnippyity.

She: I would be irritated if you had to ask me to do something six times, too. That’s why I just do it when you ask me, out of courtesy and avoidance of future pain. Why doesn’t that logic work with you?

Z: It’s because I always intend to do great things for you, so any time that you ask me to do something, it ruins the surprise.

She: Why doesn’t this translate into more flowers for me?

Z: See? Now I can’t get you flowers for a year, because it would look like it was your idea.

She: Is this why you didn’t cut your hair for twenty years?

Z: Exactly. I had to wait until people stopped asking me to cut my hair before I could actually do it. My long hair was really annoying to me for at least a decade, but I couldn’t do anything about it until it looked like it was my idea. If I’d taken someone else’s direction, I would have ended up bald and snippy, in desperate need of the snippy cap.

She: Yes, dear.

Who wears the snippy cap in your house? Let us know at [email protected].

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