Saturday, March 17 , 2018, 9:22 pm | Fair 51º


She Said, Z Said: In Twinkies’ Defense, They Were Oddly Delicious — and Great Science Experi

She: What is the world coming to? The same month that Colorado and Washington legalize marijuana, Texas gives Twinkies the death penalty.

Z: It does seem like incredibly bad timing for Hostess to go out of business.

She: People are going crazy trying to stock up on Twinkies and Ding Dongs.

Z: I hear there’s going to be a special Hoarders — the Hostess Edition.

She: Millions of legally stoned people are going to need something to munch on. What happened?

Z: I’m guessing that management did exactly what all good dealers know not to do — they smoked their own Twinkies.

She: Ding Dong, the Twinkies gone.

Z: Everything I read about this management team makes it sound like they were greedy jerks who tripled their own salaries while getting ready to gut the company, and put 18,500 people out of work.

She: Too much processed sugar does sad, sad things to people.

Z: At the same time, I feel like I might be a part of the problem. I haven’t had a Twinkie or a Ding Dong in years.

She: They’re still fun to say, though. It will be a drag if they disappear from the vocabulary. Also, they’re all great insults, you Ho Ho.

Z: They’ll never completely go away. I don’t think it’s scientifically possible.

She: I was going to ask what cockroaches will eat when civilization has disappeared, but it will probably still be Twinkies.

Z: They can finish off the final Twinkies that are still nailed to science teacher’s walls throughout America.

She: What are the new science teachers going to do? It won’t be nearly as fun to stake a Go-Gurt to the wall.

Z: I can remember Mr. Thomas at San Marcos saying that Twinkies had an infinite shelf life. He hung his up in 1823, and it was still fresh.

She: Yep. Mrs. Lodas told us that Twinkies would outlast us all.

Z: Hopefully the science teachers will pass on their Twinkies to the history teachers.

She: Or the Blue Man Group. There goes a classic Twinkie Feast bit out the window.

Z: Stuffing your faces with organic, fair-trade, honey, gluten-free soy crackers doesn’t have the same comedic appeal.

She: Or any appeal at all, except maybe as an alternative to starvation. Did you ever get Twinkies in your lunch as a kid?

Z: No. But I do remember having the occasional Ding Dong as a snack after school. We’d wash them down with Hawaiian Punch.

She: Yum.

Z: What about you?

She: Never! My mom wouldn’t have anything like that in our house. If I wanted a Hostess treat for lunch, I’d have to trade my TaB for it.

Z: So diet soda was OK, but not sweet junk food made with real corn syrup, beef fat and polysorbate 60?

She: Go figure. And I never really liked the taste of Twinkies that much. I liked the Ding Dongs better. But it was those pink Sno Balls that always presented a moral dilemma for me.

Z: You weren’t sure whether you could throw them at people?

She: They were so pink and fluffy and pretty. I liked that part. But they were also coconut, and coconut is evil.

Z: You should have just stapled them to your wall for decoration.

She: Why didn’t I think of that? They would still be there in perfect condition ... and now it’s too late.

Z: Actually Amazon’s still got them on sale. $69.94 for a six pack, plus shipping and handling.

She: That’s awesome. I could do our whole hallway in puff pink Sno Balls.

Z: Yes, dear.

— Share your favorite Hostess memories with She and Z by emailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Follow She and Z on Twitter: @lesliedinaberg. Click here for previous She Said, Z Said columns.

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