Tuesday, February 20 , 2018, 6:06 am | Fair 37º

 
 
 
 

Will Durst: A Few 2018 Predictions That Aren’t As Far-Fetched As They Should Be

Time for a few choice words for the not-so-dearly departed year of 2017. And those words are ... “You sucked. Go away. Stay there. Keep it moving, odd-numbered year. Don’t linger. No dawdling. Forget about sticking around to watch us shudder whenever the sight of something orange triggers a flashback. Bury your shadow in a deep dark cave. Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”

The beginning of January is when America dons its rose-colored glasses and anticipates wondrous possibilities in the future pages of our new calendar. So now let us forecast a few of the fabulous events in store for the next 12 months.

You can call them predictions, prognostications or prophecies, but here at Durstco we prefer to think of them as dead solid certain sure things.

In the year 2018:

Kellyanne Conway will top the bestseller lists with a book entitled, How to Lie Out of Both Sides of Your Two Faces Even When People Are Watching.

In response to another school shooting, the National Rifle Association calls for the closing of all schools.

Robert Mueller announces that he has discovered a secret panel in Vice President Mike Pence’s head that is directly controlled by a Siberian bear trainer.

Hillary Clinton, after 18 months of twice-daily therapy sessions, finally allows herself to let it go.

President Donald John Trump continues cutting programs for the poor so rich people can have more money. Through a series of tragic financial reversals, the 45th president dies destitute.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s face actually does freeze like that.

The Internet becomes so user-friendly, trend-setting techies find themselves superfluous and go back to being annoying nerds living in their parents’ basements.

The airline industry is revolutionized by the introduction of discount tickets that require passengers to pedal.

Disney purchases Fox News and children in Disneyland are treated to character breakfasts with their favorite right-wing talk show hosts. Sean Hannity is especially popular as Goofy.

LeBron James is voted the best middle linebacker in the NBA.

A 400-pound fat guy on a couch goes on The View to apologize for hacking the 2016 election. Although expressing sincere regret, Joy Behar still beats him senseless with a chair leg.

The stock price of Purdue Pharma crashes, after it is revealed their new drug to combat PTSD (President Trump Stress Disorder) is simply double strength OxyContin.

After heading in multiple directions, the Democratic Party finally buys a compass and sets it to the polar opposite of Trump, helplessly collapsing in a heap after taking six steps.

After Steve Bannon is dismissed then rehabilitated in the eyes of Trump 14 separate times, he secures a lucrative sponsorship deal with Duncan Yo-Yos.

Michael Wolff writes a best-selling sequel to Fire and Fury called No, Really, I’m Telling You, He’s Bat Guano Crazy.

Every single athlete at the Winter Olympics is disqualified when tests reveal the South Korean snow is laced with sake.

Ivanka Trump polishes her Oval Office bona fides by loop watching Gary Oldman in The Darkest Hour in order to imitate his growl. Jared finds it sexy.

Oprah Winfrey loses 30 pounds.

In the wake of a D.C. blizzard, all nonessential federal workers are encouraged to stay home and nobody in the White House reports to work. Including The Donald. No one notices.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here for videos and a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at The Marsh in San Francisco. Follow him on Twitter: @willdurst and click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

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