Thursday, February 22 , 2018, 5:46 am | Fair 36º

 
 
 
 

Will Durst: After Alabama Upset, Democrats Show a Pulse — For Now

Let’s send a big fat congratulatory shout out to former U.S. Attorney Doug Jones for capturing the Senate seat in Alabama, the first Democrat to be elected to that Yellowhammer State position since Sen. Richard Shelby won a second term in 1992, but then switched allegiances to the Republican Party two years later. Which, to be perfectly honest, is cheating.

Democrats are hailing Jones’ upset victory over Republican Roy Moore, a twice removed Alabama Supreme Court chief justice, as a rebuke to President Donald Trump’s agenda and anticipate transformative midterm elections next year on the order of replacing all the hounds of hell with baby kittens.

Or at least a simple impeachment-indictable majority.

The goal is to take the House of Representatives and put a stop to the GOP corruption, malfeasance and trampling of the middle class, and replace it with their own corruption, malfeasance and trampling of the middle class. Which is the same, only with healthier snacks.

To nurture this dream, they willfully ignore their own suspicions that this is an isolated incident. To call Moore a flawed candidate is like referring to the use of balsa-wood sledge-hammers to smash concrete as dodgy. Going swimming with the sharks in a raw meat wetsuit — not the best of ideas. Baking cookies in a 650-degree oven — a tricky proposition.

We’re talking about a man who was kicked out of the Alabama Supreme Court twice, and the Gadsden Mall Food Court once. While Trump’s ratings are mired in the low 30s and Congress hovers around the 20s, Moore was dipping into the teens.

The 70 year-old Republican West Point graduate wasn’t a slam-dunk even before numerous accusations of inappropriate sexual behavior erupted. With a couple of the victims so young, they still played jacks.

It was, as they say, a binary choice, between an accused pedophile and a Democrat. And the Democrat won by the whopping margin of 1.5 percent. It was so close that if some of Moore’s accusers had been older and voted, they might have turned the tide. Roll Tide.

With this unexpected pickup in the Senate, Democrats are partying like Oprah Winfrey just handed them a fleet of cars. The party hasn’t been this optimistic since Hillary Clinton was a dead solid lock 13 months ago.

Curiously, Republicans didn’t cry too many tears and appear semi-relieved they don’t have to defend this electoral albatross in every district next year. Just a series of unconscionable endorsements.

Democratic leaders went so far as to force Sen. Al Franken, D-Minn., to resign so they could assume the moral high ground in the area of sexual harassment. A ground that is not very moral and only considered high by the vertically challenged.

So, the big question is, how will Democrats screw this up? Because they will.

These guys could fall off of a raft and miss hitting water. They possess the killer instinct of butterscotch pudding. Have the unique ability to blow a 20-point lead with less than a minute to go.

The smart move would be to make sure that Steve Bannon stays healthy for 2018. Because if anybody can unearth more Republican Senate candidates who are also accused child molesters, he’s their guy. They should consider shipping him a large package of supplemental vitamins for Christmas. It’d be downright neighborly.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here for videos and a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at The Marsh in San Francisco. Follow him on Twitter: @willdurst and click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

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