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Tuesday, December 11 , 2018, 9:33 pm | Fair 53º


Will Durst: How Our Betters in Politics Spent Their Summer Vacation

And so we bid a hearty “Welcome Back” to our elected representatives as they reluctantly trudge back to Washington following their annual summer recess, and the fact that it sounds like a holdover from elementary school is no accident.

Ostensibly this respite from the business at hand is meant to renew, refresh, recharge and reload so they can be rested and relaxed as they fight for we, their constituents. Mostly though, they raise campaign funds.

But a few did manage to carve precious minutes from their busy schedules of schmoozing and networking for more pastoral proclivities. And through a series of dogged investigations we here at Durstco were able to uncover those previously unreported recreational activities that they and other public figures engaged in over the break, and are proud to offer them up in a segment we like to call “How They Spent Their Summer Vacation.”

» Former White House spokesman Sean Spicer chopped 30 points off his blood pressure by spending the summer in Louisiana tagging alligators.

» Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon earned a pretty penny for checking into a Swiss spa and switching out his blood with Keith Richards’.

» House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., spent the summer visiting all 30 MLB stadiums and defied the laws of probability when the home team lost every game.

» Kellyanne Conway broke many nails writing a book on the power of patience and persistence coupled with a strict regimen of willful ignorance.

» President Donald Trump surreptitiously installed solar paneling on his vast holdings in Guam.

» Vice President Mike Pence taught Bible school to a group of at-risk youth who just happen to be the kids of Republican Mega-Donors.

» TV commentator Chris Matthews visited secret and ancient Vatican libraries searching for loopholes.

» Former White House national security adviser Michael Flynn went off his meds and no one noticed.

» Former Maricopa County, Ariz., Sheriff Joe Arpaio sailed to Jamaica on a raft he personally lashed together from the bleached bones of dead immigrants.

» New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie visited many beaches no one else was allowed to.

» Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., gained experience dealing with Trump by refereeing the finals of a Pee-Wee wrestling tournament for hyperactive children.

» Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., attended 3 Comic Con Conventions dressed as the John Candy character from Spaceballs.

» White House chief of staff John Kelly took a plumbing correspondence course with an emphasis on leak-plugging.

» Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., hitchhiked across Europe with a maple leaf patch sewn onto her backpack.

» Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III traveled to Italy to get custom 4-inch lifts installed in all his shoes.

» Sen. Kamala Harris, D-Calif., piloted a highly prestigious congressional task force that studied the efficacy of task forces.

» First son-in-law Jared Kushner followed the New England State Fair circuit hawking vegetable slicers.

» Hillary Clinton studied with many tutors so that she could attempt to appear spontaneous on her upcoming book tour.

» First lady Melania Trump consulted with Manolo Blahnik on his Limited Edition “Shoes Fit For a Flood” Collection.

» Former President Bill Clinton never left his hammock. Except for twice when it needed to be re-netted.

» Short-lived White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci spent 30 days in community service in Kalispell, Mont., after threatening the life of a KOA campground manager who failed to stock enough marshmallows for the traditional Friday night S’mores bonfire.

» First son Donald Trump Jr. spent the summer writing an infinite number of times on a Trump University blackboard “I will quit being such a dufus.”

» Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, interned at the Calgary Stampede as a rodeo clown.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here for videos and a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at The Marsh in San Francisco. Follow him on Twitter: @willdurst and click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

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