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Sunday, March 24 , 2019, 2:36 pm | A Few Clouds 63º

 
 
 
 

Will Durst: Imagine Donald Trump’s First 100 Days

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th president of the United States. It’s mind-boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian-appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks.

The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that to Noah.

Trump’s inaugural address was darker than the Cleveland Browns’ offseason. Kind of a cross between Nixon and Voldemort. “It’s Mourning in America.” Trump will be a president for all Americans except the Muslims, Mexicans, losers, whiners, idiots and nasty women, especially the fat disgusting ones.

But now our attention turns not to the real estate developer’s vitriolic tweets but his diabolic feats. What is the agenda of the Tweeter of the Free World?

Here’s what might go down over the rest of the first 100 days of the Donald Trump Experience.

» Jan. 31. Day 11. Trump trademarks “White House” and banks a royalty every time the news media show or mention it.

» Feb. 12. Day 23. Congress repeals Obamacare and replaces it with Trumpcare, which covers nobody but is advertised as “much more incredibly tremendous.”

» Feb. 21. Day 32. An executive order makes it illegal to use the words “climate” and “change” in the same sentence.

» March 7. Day 46. POTUS tweets a major nuclear reduction pact with Russia.

» March 8. Day 47. POTUS tweets a major boost in our nuclear arsenal to intimidate Russia.

» March 9. Day 48. POTUS tweets a major merger with Russia. The two countries will now be known as the USSSR East & West.

» March 12. Day 51. The White House press is moved to the basement of a bar in Bethesda, Md.

» March 18. Day 57. Trump offspring Eric and Donald Jr. are apprehended shooting pandas at the National Zoo with RPGs.

» March 24. Day 63. Gov. Jerry Brown authorizes barricades at all state entrances and begins to charge a $15 cover and a two- drink minimum to enter “Golden Land.”

» March 29. Day 68. After U.S. Supreme Court Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor are arrested, Trump fills three vacancies. The Supreme Court then rules abortions illegal and determines voting to be restricted to white male landowners.

» April 1. Day 71. POTUS authorizes a nuclear strike against Ottawa but Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis pulls the plug after figuring out it’s an April Fool’s joke.

» April 3. Day 73. POTUS tries to throw out the first ball at a windy Washington Nationals season home opener, but the ball and his hand get stuck in his hair due to an excess of product.

» April 26. Day 96. The Pharmaceutical Industry reports record first-quarter profits.

» April 29. Day 99. POTUS holds a contest among his Cabinet members to see who can sell the most Subway sandwiches in three hours on the National Mall.

» April 30. Day 100. POTUS tweets that he is bored and wants to quit. The nation is stunned.

» May 1. Day 1. Vice President Mike Pence succeeds Trump as the 46th president of the United States. The nation recoils.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here for videos and a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at The Marsh in San Francisco. Follow him on Twitter: @willdurst and click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

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