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Thursday, March 21 , 2019, 4:07 pm | Mostly Cloudy 57º

 
 
 
 

Will Durst: Was Donald Trump Bitten by a Radioactive Spider?

President Donald Trump is keeping people busy. He’s got staffers, lawyers, streaming news alert editors, impeachment historians, ethics investigators, hair spray manufacturers, Putin watchers and real-estate interpreters, who all frantically flapping and squawking like a flock of seagulls outside a sardine plant at low tide.

Watch any of the network or cable news broadcasts and you instantly note that all the anchors are exhausted. Their “Breaking News” graphic ... broke.

Half of Washington has gone deaf, what with all the bombshells exploding with little or no warning around their tiny Beltway heads.

A majority of Trump’s problems seem self-inflicted. Broken-racketed unforced errors. The Apprentice Chief Executive has made more missteps than the last place finisher in a drunken hopscotch tournament with a watch cap pulled over his eyes on cobblestones.

Every time someone escorts the blonde bull out of Ye Olde China Shoppe, he sneaks around back and butts his way through another wall just because he loves the sound of breaking crystal.

Immediately after firing FBI Director James Comey, Trump called him “a nut job” and shared classified intelligence with two Russian diplomats.

But then the White House assured the country that Trump was never in possession of any intelligence he could have shared. And America is totally willing to believe that whole “not in possession of any intelligence” part.

In defense of this disclosure of classified Israeli intel, Trump claims he can say anything to anybody at anytime because as president he has special powers. Apparently he was bitten by a radioactive spider. But the biggest and best and most beautifulest of any radioactive spider that anyone has ever seen. This was a huuuuuuuge radioactive spider. Everyone is talking about it.

To say his last week or so was rocky is like intimating the glove compartment of a car crushed by a compactor is not the best place to store beer.

Inexplicably, Trump told The Economist magazine he invented the phrase “priming the pump,” which, according to Webster’s, has been in general usage since 1933. He’s King of the Inexplicable.

Next he’ll maintain he’s responsible for the phrase “out of control dumpster fire,” as well. Of course, he has provided one heck of a high bar for all future comparisons.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein felt compelled to appoint a special prosecutor to get to the bottom of possible Russian collusion and obstruction of justice and all-round, random mendacity. The fastest any president in history has been targeted with a special prosecutor. Ever. In less than four months, he’s gone from zero to Nixon.

Getting the hell out of Dodge, Trump embarked on a nine-day, five-city foreign tour visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel, Belgium and the Vatican. For a guy who hates to travel and goes off script like a 5 year old at “Everything’s Free Day” at Disneyland, visiting the centers of three world religions offers more hidden minefields than walking barefoot in the dark through the western sand dunes of Egypt.

POTUS 45’s first overseas trip culminates at the G7 summit in Taormina, Italy. The G7 used to be known as the G8 until Russia was kicked out for annexing Crimea.

But now that they’ve annexed us, are they back in the loop? Perhaps that’s a question better suited for the special prosecutor. Time to take the Fifth. Of Scotch.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here for videos and a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at The Marsh in San Francisco. Follow him on Twitter: @willdurst and click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.

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