My wife and I experienced some vicarious living when our son, Gideon (finishing up his junior year of high school), attended the senior prom.
(Yes, VICARIOUS living. It’s not like we got him out of the house, jumped with glee and yelled, “Date night!” It was more along the lines of “Aw, but I yelled ‘Date night’ LAST time. Can’t YOU say it this … ZZZZZZ …”)
You see, we had to experience a high school milestone through Gideon’s eyes because neither of us went to our proms.
My wife’s high school hosted a senior banquet instead of a senior prom. The town didn’t quite have a Footloose situation, but there WERE religious factions who felt that even a school-sanctioned dance would be a den of depravity. It’s like they thought TV host Don Cornelius was inviting viewers to watch Lose Your Sooooul Train.
I TRIED going to my prom, but my first choice for a date was deemed too young by her parents, my second choice developed mononucleosis and choices three through 10 all suddenly started hanging around choice No. 2. (“We never spend enough time together, Girl from My Home Ec Class. Group hug!”) Say, I’m starting to suspect someone didn’t want to hurt my feelings …
So, yeah, Loggins & Messina were prophesying about US when they recorded “Your Mama Don’t Dance and Your Daddy Don’t Rock and Roll.”
Gideon didn’t take a date to the prom, but that was just fine with a couple of old softies dreading empty-nest syndrome. It also went along with the prom theme (#Here’sToNeverGrowingUp), which was remarkably better than the theme of my wife’s Senior Banquet (“You CAN cut your meat without bumping elbows, you hormone-infused heathens!”)
Gideon is a good, trustworthy, gentlemanly kid, so we had to say only one thing about “protection” (albeit repeatedly): “Don’t drop your phone in the toilet!”
This is a sign of how times have changed. If MY parents (back in the rotary landline era) had told me “Don’t drop your phone in the toilet!,” I would have looked at them like they were crazy. Granted, Gideon gave US exactly the same look. So maybe times HAVEN’T changed that much. I wonder what the Fonz is up to this week …
Gideon said the students prided themselves on digging deep into musical history, but he didn’t remember hearing anything older than Prince’s “Purple Rain.” Hmph. I think the first time I heard that one, I was purchasing this pair of underwear …
We’ve always nurtured eclectic musical tastes in Gideon, so when the DJ asked if he had any requests, he piped up with “That’s Amore” (Dean Martin’s 1953 hit). The girl gyrating in his vicinity was disgusted. (“He wants a song from the RENAISSANCE!”) Funny, but I remember Dean always holding a glass of booze, not a humongous TURKEY LEG.
What about you? Was your prom a blur? Did you marry your date? Share your story.
Now it’s time to plan for the Class of 2021 prom. This year Gideon got by with a regular suit — but next year, it’ll be tuxedo time.
Planning ahead, anybody know how to get humongous turkey leg stains out of a rental tux? Asking for a friend.
— Satirical columnist Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at firstname.lastname@example.org and visits to his Facebook fan page Tyree’s Tyrades. He is syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.