I don’t know about you, but the next time I hear someone refer to the “new normal,” I think I might scream into my middle daughter’s unacceptable new bikini bottoms that I plan to confiscate and turn into a coronavirus face mask.
If adjusting my daily activities according to COVID-19 protocol is now the norm, I’m ready to declare myself an official freakazoid, which is how most people — especially my family members — see me, anyway.
I just can’t accept this way of life, and I’m not gonna take it anymore — unless the government, medical professionals, the local Walmart manager and my wife tell me to. I now invite you to commiserate with me about various aspects of life that have gotten on my first, middle and last nerve.
Speaking of the Walmart manager, I’m not sure I can tolerate another shopping trip for my three daughters’ nutritional requirements — like tater tots, cocktail wieners and Reddi-wip. I’ve been to the local Walmart so many times over the past two months that I recently dreamed I had to fight off an attempt by the manager to fit me with one of those “Proud Associate” vests.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I truly appreciate all of my local grocery stores and their employees standing in the gap for us during this pandemic. I’ve actually wandered the aisles (in the wrong direction) with tears of gratitude in my eyes while embracing an 18-pack of Angel Soft Mega Rolls.
It’s just that I don’t think I can stand any more humiliation when my ration of ramen noodles won’t scan properly at the self-checkout counter and the “customer needs assistance” light of shame starts blinking again.
When I’m not instigating mass eye rolling among my fellow Walmart peeps, I’m usually going wackadoodle-in-place at home. I’m tired of my house, and I’m worried that I’m wearing it out, especially the plumbing.
I’m not sure my home ever intended for me to occupy it this much. We now have a permanent hiking trail in the flooring from my bed, to the refrigerator, to my recliner and to the bathroom. You’d think with all of that exercise, I would’ve lost weight by now. Instead, I’m blaming my added pounds on uncontrolled hair growth, which has transformed my formerly stylish coiffure into one of those Russian ushanka-hats. (If you read my previous column, Hank says, “Hi!”)
I guess I can be thankful that I’m not spending all of this time in my house alone, but I’m pretty sure our pets wish they were. It’s a sad day when your dogs treat you like you’re intruding on their “me time.”
Yes, these same creatures used to greet me at the door as if my wardrobe was made entirely of Oscar Mayer products. Now they treat me like that distant relative with bad breath your parents used to force you to hug when you were little.
Maybe the pets are acting this way because I’ve spent part of quarantine practicing my dog-grooming skills. But despite their poor attitudes, I’m happy to say they still have most of their appendages.
Finally, (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) I’m tired of dressing like I’m always taking a short break between naps — which I am. I’m not even sure I can operate a zipper correctly anymore, and a button fly is completely out of the question.
I remember when I used to savor every moment lounging in a pair of sweatpants, pajamas or Nike shorts. Now, I’m just praying for the day when I’ll have to squeeze into my khakis, navigate a complex network of belt loops and wear a nipple-chafing dress shirt again. Ah, the good ol’ days of uncomfortable office attire!
With America starting to open up, I’m hopeful that life will soon return to its pre-corona monotony — and we can resume being terrified of other global threats like climate change, vaping and cauliflower pizza.
Until then, I guess we’ll all have to deal with the “new normal,” and so will my two dogs — if I can get them to hold still.
— Jase Graves is an award-winning humor columnist whose columns have been featured in Texas Escapes magazine, The Shreveport Times in Louisiana, and the Kilgore News Herald and Longview News-Journal in Texas. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or connect with him on Facebook. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.