Question from Allison
So, my BF just said that we couldn’t be together and I really want him back. What are some easy tips to get him back? BTW he likes anime.
I have no idea how to handle the situation and I miss him. I know that u r amazing so can you pls help me.
Weezy
I’m amazing but not magic. : /
You can not make someone be with you. Nor would you want a reluctant boyfriend. The whole point of a relationship is that the love you share is exponentially gratifying. There are thousands of reasons why your boyfriend has told you that you can’t be together. You could drive yourself crazy imagining what they may be.
Most folks who undergo this excruciatingly futile exercise arrive at the conclusion that there must be something wrong with them. Or else he would love you, right? Wrong. You are infinitely lovable. This guy just doesn’t wish to be dating you right now and so you are going to have to accept what he is telling you.
I recommend that you do three nice things for yourself and that you challenge yourself with three new projects this month. For example: Eat some ice cream. Float on a raft. Enjoy your favorite movie. Study a new language. Write a short story. Learn the words to a new song.
These gifts and tasks will help you reprogram your brain. You have been thinking nonstop about this guy, which can cause you to believe that without him there is no happy future. Wrong again. There is!
Be kind to yourself. Learn something new. There is a whole wide world of people and ideas and projects and goals and dreams out there. It is waiting for all of your wonderful contributions. When your personal story starts to feel bleak, it’s time to do some rewriting. You are the author of your destiny.
(Psych2Go video)
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Question from Bianca
I feel so dumb about this but … I’ve had a huge crush on one of my close friends for a year. He had found out through some of my friends basically a year ago then, after that day, I just feel he and I need to have a talk about our friendship and about me still crushing on him because our friendship is really toxic in my eyes.
He thinks I don’t have a crush on him anymore and is trying to get me with one of his friends, who I’ve never met officially.
I don’t know if I should tell him that I’m still crushing on him or to keep it to myself. Then on top of that, I don’t know how to tell him without getting anxious. I want to get over him, but I just can’t. I need serious help.
Weezy
It’s time for some full disclosure. Remember that crushes are a human right. We all have them. They are not all reciprocated and that is OK.
Every crush is here to teach you about the type of person you find attractive. Some crushes are merely instructional. Some lead to love. They all hold lessons.
So, I know it’s awkward but you can say to him, “Hey, I would love to meet this guy but I may not be able to have feelings for him since I still have feelings for you.” It sounds like this won’t be a surprise. At least you will get that out there and he can do what he would like to do with the information.
If you need to get over him, you will do that in good time.
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Question from Theo
I’m 18, and my current living situation is pretty toxic. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two years and seven months. We’ve decided I’d move in with her soon. I’ve been pretty excited for a while but as the days get closer to moving in, my anxiety gets bad and I’m scared.
Is it normal to be scared for a change like this? How can I cope with it better meanwhile?
Weezy
Change is scary. Humans often crave the familiar even when the new path is more promising. Remember that the hard thing is often the right thing. You do have an opportunity to do a reset on your home life and create a world for yourself and your girlfriend that is warm and loving and comforting and supportive.
But adulting is stressful and I would recommend that you live on your own for a bit before moving directly from a toxic home environment to a new home with a girlfriend. We just want to be certain that you don’t bring unhealthy habits with you into your new home. When things get tense it will be natural for you to fall into comfortable patterns, however counter-productive they may be.
Counseling would probably be healthy. So are ground rules. Talk things over in advance. Who will be responsible for what? What are your expectations? If there is an argument, do you vow to discuss it calmly before you go to sleep that night?
The best predictor of a healthy relationship is observing how the couple resolves conflict. Say “I’m sorry” and “I am going to work on that” often. Listen to your own tone of voice. We take our frustrations out on the person who is there. That person usually does not deserve it. Knowing this, I recommend that the following behaviors be strictly forbidden:
» Slamming doors
» Using curse words at each other
» Calling each other a derogatory name
All of the above coarsens the environment. It sounds like you have already heard enough of it. Vow that it ends on the doorstep of your new home. And just go for it.
You will be scared. That is so completely normal. But you are on the brink of a new life over which you will have more control, and with your mind and talent and humor, the world is available to you. Go get it.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at news@noozhawk.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also co-hosts the podcast Media Path with Fritz Coleman, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.