Question from Belinda
I have had a huge crush on a guy for, like, four years, and I have confessed my feelings for him but he just wants a physical relationship. I can’t get over him and it’s hurting me mentally. I want to get over him but I don’t know how?!
Your predicament is as universal as it is heartbreaking. Please know that engaging in physical intimacy with this guy will not bring him emotionally closer to you. Offering your body will not affect his ability to love you. Emotional intimacy should always precede a physical relationship because sex makes us vulnerable and, before we engage in it, we should know that our partner’s No. 1 priority is our safety and security.
Protect yourself. Your best move is away from this guy. You need two very healing ingredients. Time and space. Open yourself up to other people. There is a song for everything and here is one that may help you understand that it is time to move on:
• • •
Question from Kylie
Hello. My problem is my parents found out I’m getting drunk at parties, and this has caused me so many problems. We argued, we fought, we hurt each other, and this is not what I want.
I am 17. I only drink at parties because that’s what my age does and it is really OK for us. But not for my parents. I understand their worry but, honestly, there is nothing to worry about. I can control myself. I don’t drink till I die!
What can I do to convince them I’m not drinking anymore so they can leave me alone because I really can’t stand this. It’s getting annoying! They don’t understand. They are so strict about everything. I am not even allowed to make sleepovers at my friends.
I am 17! Not 2. Damn.
I will need to come down with your parents on this one. I know that you think you know what you are doing. You don’t. This is because you have not yet been presented with what could go wrong. Your parents have a wider view of the world and they know that their inebriated 17-year-old daughter is at a MUCH, MUCH (I can not stress this enough) greater risk of rape, injury, pregnancy, shame, hurt, regret, paralysis, death … the list goes on and on.
Your ability to make wise choices is already impaired by the simple reality that you are 17. Your conviction that it is perfectly OK for a group of high school kids to drink at parties is further evidence that you don’t always make great choices. Add alcohol to your already flawed reasoning faculties and you are just sunk.
On top of which, you used the word “drunk.” No clear thinking adult drinks to get drunk. Responsible consumers of alcoholic beverages drink socially, relax a bit and have one or two drinks during a given gathering. At no point in the evening are they drunk.
I’m so sorry. I know you want advice that agrees with your thinking on this but, in essence, you are asking me to help you lie and pull one over on your parents. I can not do that.
Like your parents, I’m a grown-up and I know that a lot of beautiful children are lost every year due to alcohol. Many are killed and disabled for life. Many do damage to somebody else and must live with that guilt and remorse. All because they or somebody they trusted was drunk.
It sounds like your folks are on top of this. They don’t trust you because they can’t trust you. Not yet. It is your denial, not your parents that is at the core of this problem.
The legal drinking age in this country is 21 for an excellent reason. Children who drink are very capable of destroying lives. Kids who begin drinking too early are far more likely to become alcoholics. Please do not become one of them.
Your parents are strict because you are so deeply loved. The three of you are allies here, all striving to build you into a strong, smart, healthy, wise, responsible adult. Stop running interference. Work with them.
• • •
Question from Lily
My sister and I fight all the time. We got in a huge fight and now we won’t talk to each other. I don’t want to be the soft one who apologized. That’s just what my sister and I do. If you apologize, you’re the weak one. What should i do?
That may be the way you and your sister believe it to be, but out in the real world, it is the strongest person who has the courage to apologize. If you can learn that now as you address and improve your connection with your sister, you will have far more success in your adult relationships.
Walk up to her right now and say: I am sorry. Do not attach a disclaimer to your apology. Do not say: I am sorry, but you really ticked me off. Simply say: I am sorry.
When two people fight to be right, both are WRONG. Go apologize now and have an amazing Sunday together.
• • •
Got a question for Weezy? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.