Question from Kaycie
So a guy who said he liked me friend-zoned me a few weeks ago and I don’t really know why. He said he still wanted to be friends but he never talks to me anymore, and I know he doesn’t want to be more than friends but I do really miss him as friend.
I was thinking about talking to him or texting him. If I say something like this do you think it’s OK? “Hey. I was just wondering what happened? I know it’s been a while since you told me you just want to be friends and stuff, but it’s been bugging me lately. I was hoping maybe I might feel a bit better if we talked about what happened because I still don’t really know what actually did happen.”
It’s going to be hard to know what’s going on in his head unless and until he tells you. I agree that you deserve answers. But feelings and relationships are complicated. When people we like back away, our impulse is to move toward them. It’s counterintuitive to remain still or even to pull away from them.
Here is my best guess about your situation. The guy said he liked you. Then he freaked out for whatever reason. Examples: He’s scared. He’s not ready for a relationship. He likes someone else. He’s not allowed to date. You two come from different backgrounds. He’s being teased by his friends.
I could go on but I don’t need to further confuse you. I’m just indicating that until he talks, it could be anything. We don’t know. What we can hypothesize is that he feels uncomfortable and/or embarrassed about returning to a friendship after telling you that he liked you as more than a friend.
This analogy is imperfect, but imagine a cat. When you chase the cat, the cat runs. When you remain still with your hand open, the cat feels more attraction and curiosity than fear and the cat approaches.
I imagine that this kid is in your circle of friends. Be warm, approachable, friendly. Give him welcoming smiles. But resist the temptation to text him questions that are not simple for him to answer. His feelings are complicated and he will not be able to answer your question via text, therefore he may not answer at all, which will leave you with no information.
However, if you simply remain the same friend he’s always known — kind, fun, funny, sweet, sassy, comforting, familiar … however he knows you — he will come around and, when it feels right, you two will have that conversation and you will receive your closure and gain back your friend. And maybe more when and if he is ready.
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Question from Maya
So I know I like boys but I have a crush on a lesbian. I don’t know if I’m bi or straight, or if I would like kissing a girl or kissing a boy. I definitely need advice.
I know that you would really like to be able to give yourself a label right now, but for some people it’s just not that easy. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and don’t judge or attempt to squeeze yourself into a box that you can check.
Just continue growing up. You will start to notice patterns. One moment you will find yourself in front of someone you would like to kiss, and if that person wants to kiss you back, then share that experience. Somewhere along the way, all of this will begin to make more sense.
Some people find it helpful to look at lists like this one and find a description that better fits them than gay, straight or bi. To me, these lists seems very specific, as if everyone is overthinking everything. But you may find it comforting. Don’t worry, you will figure out who you are.
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Question from Katie
There is a guy I like who is the same age as me and he acts like he likes me sometimes, but when I ask him he says no. What do I do?
It would help to know your age. Guys under the age of 16 will often deny liking someone they do like if they are really not ready to start dating — and really not ready for the news cycle that a confession will create. At any age, who likes who is headline material.
An Emmy winner asked his girlfriend to marry him during his acceptance speech and the whole theater went nuts. In a good way of course. They are adults.
But all humans are fascinated by romance. As kids, romantic feelings and stories are new and so reactions are even more raw and all over the map, and he knows it. He may just not be emotionally prepared for the recoil of taking that shot.
Or, he may not like you the way you like him. Either way, you have spoken your truth and you need to accept his answer. He knows that you like him. If he returns those feelings, then continue being warm and friendly and he will eventually tell you. But stop asking him. Give him space to grow up and his truth will reveal itself in time.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at email@example.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.