Question from Tiffany
I hate people. I see a person, and if they look inferior to me or my friends in any way shape or form, I just hate them. For reasons I can’t explain. Usually, the people I hate are really nice, though. I literally yelled at someone today at school in my exploratory. What should I do?
I can not tell you what is triggering an irrational dislike of innocent people. That is for you to explore and determine. It’s possible that you are actually angry with yourself. A person may remind you of a quality you wish you possessed or something about yourself that you do not like.
Bear in mind that you are no better than anyone. In fact, we are all part of one human organism. Life is a collaboration.
We can not always control our thoughts. We can control our behaviors. Be nice to people. That is a mandate. Just be nice. You will like yourself better and that may lead to your ability to more easily generate love toward others.
If you would like to feel better about the human race, watch this video. It works for me:
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Question from Colin
I am a trans boy and I really like my best friend, a girl. But it feels like she wants nothing to do with me.
Friday was homecoming, and we had plans to meet up. I called her at least 50 times, but her phone was off. She got there a half-hour before the dance was going to end. We hugged once, then she basically ignored me. I kept trying to talk and dance with her, but she just moved away.
It’s not just this time, she does this whenever we’re in a group. If it’s just us, it’s fine. I’m just tired of people pretending they care about me.
We have all experienced dances like this. It’s miserable, I know. But it is pretty universal. When someone is pulling away, your instinct may be to rush toward them with perhaps a little desperation.
Do the opposite. Pull away. Don’t fight her. Mirror her. She wants distance. Give her that. Match the flow of life.
Do not ever call anyone 50 times. Sure, you want results, but behaving in a panicky fashion will bring you the opposite of what you crave. It’s called blowing up her phone but the results can actually torch a relationship.
You need more information. She may feel shy and awkward about dancing with you in public because of your gender identity. She’s got that hurdle to cross and you can help her. Just do it calmly and slowly.
If you would like to know more about why she pulls away in public, ask her when the two of you are in private. Respect her feelings. Tell her that you hear her. She is not pretending that she cares for you. She does care. She just has something that has gone unsaid. YOU deserve an explanation. Ask for it and then respect her answer.
Here is some insight into dating as a trans person from Kalem Johnson:
(Kalem Johnson video)
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Question from Sara
OK, so recently I downloaded the Tinder app. I met this guy who seemed very nice. We hung out and all he wanted to do was hook up. Even though I kept saying no he continued to touch me and make me touch him. I kinda wanted it but not really.
At some points I was just staring at the wall waiting for it to be over, thinking of an excuse to leave. The day after I felt extremely nauseous and sick. I can still smell him, taste him and I literally gag and throw up at the thought of him. After he got what he wanted he didn’t touch me or show interest in me at all.
I have never felt so used in my life. I have lost weight since it happened because I can’t really eat. I can’t sleep because I close my eyes and it replays in my head. He blocked me on all social media so I have no contact with him but I still feel so anxious. I also am getting bad heartburn from the anxiety.
You may want to go see a therapist and talk this through. Our reactions to our behaviors can be uncomfortable but they can teach us not to repeat those behaviors.
You got talked into something you did not want to do. It was something very intimate and personal with someone who had not earned or developed that level of trust with you. So you feel angry at yourself and that is part of how your body is reacting.
When you think no, say no. Let that sink in and then let this unpleasant feeling go … until you need it again. The next time someone is going too far too fast remember what you and your body need and deserve. Get up and walk away from the situation.
You have paid your debt to yourself. YOU are not your behavior. YOU are just you. A learning, growing, living person. Absolve yourself of this incident. It’s a lesson, that is all.
And just a warning before I go. I don’t know a lot about Tinder because I am married, but as far as I understand it is for 18 and up ONLY and A LOT of people use it for hookups. I think for long-term dating, Match, PlentyofFish, eHarmony and other sites may be better for you.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She has a teen social network/IOS app and weekly video podcast called Journals Network, built around a philosophy of cyber kindness. She also teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.