Question from Jazmine
I’m 15 and have a question about friendships. I don’t have any actual friends. I have people who I hang out with in school but I’m never invited to hang out after school. The only reason we hang out in school is cause I play sports with them.
I get the vibe that they don’t actually like me. It really hurts when they have sleepovers without me.
I guess my question is what should I do? I haven’t had a real friend since sixth grade. I stay home all day except when I go to sports. It makes me really sad and hurt seeing them have fun without me. ( I don’t think they do it on purpose). Plz help.
Weezy
A lot of kids who have had a difficult time making true friends during elementary and middle school will find more solid connections during their junior and senior years of high school.
There can be a few reasons why this happens. As teenagers, kids have more independence to move beyond the people who have been placed in their path by virtue of circumstances. Kids also will begin to gravitate toward more finite groupings based around similar interests. Beyond sports, what lights up your heart? Is it art, music, baking, electronics? Find a club. Join.
Of course we are in the middle of a pandemic and so sleepovers, school, sports and clubs are not happening, or should not be happening, so that we can keep everyone as safe as possible. While we are all spending time alone, use this as an opportunity to discover more about yourself. Write, draw, read, learn. Give back to your community. Get involved in helping others who are in need during this difficult crisis.
The best way to make a friend is to be a friend. This means listening and caring about what others are thinking and feeling. That can be tough to do when you are a teenager wading through your own confusing feelings. But finding a friend who listens is a gift. We all need one. Be that person inside your own family and it will come more naturally to you when you meet new people who are surely out there in the world, waiting to know you.
(SoulPancake video)
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Question from Mia
Hi, Weezy. I’ve been in a serious relationship for two years now, since I was 18. He’s great. It’s healthy. He’s my best friend. He’s everything I would want in a husband, but I don’t want that yet.
When we met, I didn’t want a serious relationship, but I got into one because I liked him. I guess I’m just saying that I would like to take a pause and go about our own lives but I’m afraid I’ll lose him forever. I don’t want anyone other than him. I don’t want another relationship.
I just want to be free and be my own person and meet other people and date casually, or move somewhere else for a bit. And come back to him when I’m ready to settle. I know it’s best to break up and if it’s meant to be it will be, but I just don’t want to lose him.
I’ve been feeling like this for months and I’m really stuck. Do you have any advice ? Thank you so much.
Weezy
Imagine it’s 20 years from now and you are feeling restless and trapped in your marriage. You may regret that you did not take the time you need now to further discover who you are, what you are meant to do in this world and what will bring you the most joy.
Put briefly: People who are ready to settle down with one person do not feel what you are currently feeling. If taking a break means that you lose him forever, then you were not meant to be together for forever.
I believe that you should listen to your yearning for self discovery. You are only 20 years old. There is so much to learn in this world. A relationship will both teach you and limit you.
Tell him what you are telling me. Ask for time. Request that you revisit the relationship in six months. This will be painful for both of you but, from what you are telling me, this is what you need to do for yourself right now.
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Question from Tamar
Hi Weezy. So, there is this guy I met at work (I don’t work there anymore btw). People told me he liked me or thought I was cute a couple of times. However, we didn’t really interact at all and, at the time, I was getting involved with another guy, so obviously nothing happened between us.
A few months went by and my best friend told me that guy had asked her out, and I was honestly really excited for her cause he truly seemed like a nice guy and had a good reputation at work. However, she ended up not liking him like that and nothing happened between them.
Now that I’ve been single for a while, he happened to ask me out. I’m wondering if that’s weird, though. Cause part of me thinks he liked my best friend, and I’d feel like second best. Also I’m not sure how she’ll think of the situation, although she’s made it pretty clear she has no interest in him.
I’m friends with the guy but I was taken aback. What do you think?
Weezy
I think you should tell your friend that you are going out with him and then go out with him. Dating is designed to help us figure out who will be a good fit in a relationship. There are all kinds of people who you will think are cute. You will only be in a serious relationship with one of those people at a time. The dating part is where you work at finding that one person.
In middle school and high school, there is no “dating.” It’s just, “Do we like each other? Yes? We’re a couple.”
This is for a couple of reasons:
» There really is no “going out” when bedtimes are involved.
» Kids are in a hurry to feel the feels of a relationship.
Past the age of 18, you do ask someone out and go out to SEE if you may want to get into a relationship with a person. That is how it works from here on out. The dating precedes the relationship, so there is no “second best.” It’s a fit or it’s not a fit.
We already know that he thinks you’re cute. He thus far knows only a little bit about your personality and the depth of your character and interests. That’s the stuff that keeps people falling a little more in love every day. The discovery that someone is not just attractive to you but also fascinating and inspiring. We learn that while dating.
When you first caught this guy’s eye, you were involved with someone else. He moved on, as people do. Clicking with someone involves MANY factors. One of them is timing. Both people need to be available. So now you are. Go for it. Get to know each other better. Enjoy yourself. You both deserve to be happy, and this may very well become the story of how you met and fell in love.
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Got a question for Weezy? Email her at news@noozhawk.com and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also co-hosts the podcast Media Path with Fritz Coleman, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.